Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

I've been really up and down over Jordan for the past month. I've come so close to telling him I changed my mind... (Nick's out of the picture entirely, as he is now earnestly dating my suitemate.) but what really, finally, thankfully clinched it was Bradley. yes, another boy. I am so hopeless it is patently ridiculous. where on earth did all these interested males come from?! and where the heck where they in high school? (Jordan and David specifically. I've known the one for five and a half years now, and the other for probably six.)

Bradley is everything Jordan is not. he is unfailingly sweet in such an innocent way (artless, not charming); he is a hard worker and determined; he is so freaking intelligent, but he doesn't believe it, he thinks he's clueless. he's respectful and sensitive and can be summed up in exactly one word: adorable. and unlike literally every other boy I've ever had a crush on, I have no problem with me liking him. I could go through the list, explain my compunctions about all the guys I've liked through the years, but suffice it to say there was always an element of guilt or not-rightness. (one example that illustrates both: Coon had a habit of talking at me about how evil Mormons are. not joking. yes, he knows I'm Mormon. yes, I liked him anyway. am I a glutton for punishment or what?) Bradley's just all-out wholesome, I guess. some girls would find his hesitancy around females annoying, I think. he has this way of looking at you from the side because he has to duck his head because he just can't look at you straight on because he's about to say something complimentary. if he had a cloth napkin to fiddle with, he'd probably wring it to death while standing with a toe digging a circle into the dirt. I once accused him of being coy - he does know what his actions do to a girl - and he had to agree it fit. he didn't appreciate the implication that it usually applies to females (we had to look it up), but seriously that's how he was acting. and there was this one time where he stuck out his hand for a shake, and so I gripped it firmly and shook, but he lay his other hand on top of mine and just held it for a few seconds with this adorable grin on his face. I mean, AWWW. I am seriously twitterpated, and I don't feel panicky about it. it is perfectly fine for me to like this guy, and that is freedom, m'dear.

oh - and he asked me out on Monday. : ) I'm excited in a way I haven't been in a long time. it's going to take a while before my crush stops intensifying when the guy likes me back. and I was right: my family is so used to the guy not liking me back, either, that not one of them even thought to ask, "do either of them like you?" (Bradley's got an older brother, Brian.) although to be fair, Syd said, "you should date one of them," and Selina immediately without thinking said, "the younger one." and then I blushed so hard everyone laughed at me. the entire family now loves those two boys as much as I do - I guess it really came out in the way I was talking about them. I just want my worlds to collide. I want my family and Sam and Ben and Em [and Alice (; ] to meet my roommates and the boys down the hall and the Walpole brothers (Bradley and Brian) and the entire swing club... and I really really want to take Bradley dancing. it's his fault; he displayed such an interest. although I can't let him stick around for blues dancing - that would be an unmigitated disaster! the poor boy wouldn't be able to look at girls for a year. you see, Brian has a rule: no shaking hands until the third date. no hugs until the fifth. thankfully Bradley's more lax, but he still doesn't like girls hugging him. so blues dancing - where essentially your partner has to be plastered against you - would be torture of the most acute kind for him. of course, such rules are torture for me: I'm a physical person! when I need to comfort someone, I give them a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, something! not being able to do that is almost painful. and waving goodbye when we're a few feet apart is ridiculous to me. but that's the way they function - they both instinctively curl up and spasm when a female hugs them; I know because I have. just the once and never again. the reaction was too violent for me to try without consent from now on. but still... it'll be the one thing that will eventually drive me crazy. but I prefer no-hugging rules to absolute jerkfaces who disregard my feelings, so I'll stick with Bradley.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs... Breakin' my mind

Jordan's fine with "being Rejected," and not only did Nick like me all the way back when we all first met two months ago (shocking!), but he thought I was jealous of Rachel when they were... considering going out. which is a projection of his narcissism, because that is so not true. but I am jealous of McKenz right now, as she and Nick are now closer than a peanut-butter jam sandwich. it was awkward and painful to watch at first, of course, but it's been less than a week and I've fully recovered, and nicely. because this is really a very old pattern, and I'm just too used to it.

and I promised myself I'd stop going on about my romantic dealings... le sigh.

move over Nick; Jordan's back in the picture. as love of my life for three years in a row, he gets top priority and a decent chunk of my heart. and guess what? he loved me! he always loved me! and now that his fiance broke it off and Bri's getting married, apparently I'm an option. and he's not afraid to tell me so this time. he's not afraid of actually getting into a relationship with me.
I, however, agree with Jon (a boy wise beyond his age and experience, seriously) in that we think Jordan is just afraid of losing me forever and afraid of change. just because now I'm actually getting asked out by guys... is this what people mean by "coming out of the woodwork?" I'm being inundated! college is ridiculous. I was warned several times by various people, so I shouldn't be so surprised. but seriously! I'm the freak, the weird one; this isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to stick to the plan of being contentedly and strictly male-free for a year, then go back to pursuing them once I'm a sophomore. males showing interest in me is not part of the plan. I mean, getting asked out three times in a month-span? that's insane. never in my furthest imaginings dared I to hope for such an obviously impossible thing. and now, when I am finally at a point in my life where I absolutely don't want it... I get it. gah. talk about God and His sense of humor. His timing is impeccable, really.
back to Jordan specifically. I'll agree to the date, where we will double with someody, and refuse to again consider becoming a couple. shall I try to list reasons?

he loves me so much more than I love him, and that's unfair to us both.
I know I can never marry him, thus the relationship can't continue to that point, thus we'll break up eventually, thus there will be pain and heartbreak, and why do something that's so utterly doomed from the start?
also we disagree on several important topics (politics, whether he should serve a mission) and that spells disaster in myraid forms.
long distance relationship equals serious and intense relationship laden with meaning. NOT READY. (see below.)
he's a flaky jerkface. I know so many of his flaws, and there are some I just can't accept, and there are some things I just can't trust him about (like showing up for an event) and that doesn't exactly spell healthy relationship.
he has already made quite plain that he will be unable to break up with me if we start this, even though we agree the breaking-up will have to happen. I do not want to be the stronger person. not the first time. I want to be the one who has to be cared for. I want to be a taker instead of a giver for once in my life, which leads me to
sub-reason one: I've never been in a real, true relationship before, and for most reasons listed above I don't want this to be IT.
also, going back to real reasons, Jordan JUST broke up. I do not want to be a rebound!
I just want to be allowed to have multiple crushes of varying degrees, flit around for a while, learn how to actually flirt with a guy, and just be free. being Jordan's girlfriend would be the most soul-crushing kind of cage. (I just realized this ten seconds before I typed it. o.O no wonder I had such a bad feeling about the whole thing. I have just solved a personal enigma.)

come to think of it, any one of those reasons should probably be enough for an answer of the negative variety. but a combination of the total? holy schnikes, Batman. why did I even consider saying yes?

Isn't it messed up How I'm just dying to be here

IT'S WORSE! I've shot past infatuation to full-out crushing. Why does he have to be so... nice?! Gah. I'm a sucker for good listeners. I'm always the good listener, which is so ironic because half the time the teller is going on about how everyone tells them everything and how many secrets they have to keep and how they never get to talk! I'm the one who listens to the listeners, I guess, but what that means is I never get a true chance to unload. or even get a word in edgewise that goes beyond sy/empathy. so when I do find good listeners, I hold on to them like they're made of cheese. or something. I can think of only two off the top of my head that are pre-college. here, of course, somebody's willing to listen at all times. Jon and Jessica are the best at it, I think, but my poor biased brain places Nick at a close second. he's just got this way of looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes... gah. I'm hopeless. why? why why why why why? there's so many reasons, so very many reasons, why I should not like this boy, but then we're alone and talking and it just feels so safe and comfortable and I think he's turning into my best friend. and who can resist that? but on the other hand, I know for a fact he's not the perfect person for me, that I could never ever marry him and at this point the thought of marriage is definitely approaching. it's closer than ever. especially with Jessica getting married in three months and being around the singles ward, all of whom can't really think of anything but marriage... this sucks. this sucks this sucks this sucks. all I really want is a hug. a long, long hug, sincerely and warmly given from the guy I like. but it's never going to happen. he doesn't like me back (I know; he told me he doesn't like anybody right now), and I genuinely doubt he ever will. they never do. in this regard (and in math, but that's boring) I'm quite miserable and forlorn. but hey, everything else is dandy, so I only complain here. thanks for listening. ; )

I'll be your crying shoulder/better when I'm older.

this is such a bad idea, posting at 2:46 in the morning. but whatever, I'm siccing it on you anyway.

NEWS! I got asked out! by a guy, even. here's the problem, and what a major problem it is: I'm starting to like him. this is bad for two reasons:
One, I very much enjoy being single and crush-less and not thinking about that special someone at least once an hour, because it's such a waste of time and mindpower and makes me do awkward creeper-ish things which I despise;
and Two, I don't want to like Nick because
A) he's going on a mission soon, I'm not tying myself to a platonic long-distance relationship for two years, and it would be unfair to ask that of either of us,
B) it's been made quite clear
1) it is going to be a casual just-as-friends date,
[a) so he's not going to try anything, which come to think of it is a relief]
2) he's been in the habit of thinking about girls (see One. I can so relate) and he's trying to kick it because of his mission (see A)
3) and therefore there's no chance of an actual relationship (thankfully? there is some internal confusion at this point),
and C) he's annoying, tells very dumb jokes sometimes, and has a tendency to be an arrogant jerk. it's been his cover for too long, and while the nice guy shows through more often, he's not going to let it fall away completely any time soon.
ALSO: I think he may still like Rachel. but then, just because we've got some similarities doesn't mean we think or feel, as it were, in the same way. he may have been totally straight-up when he said he didn't care that she doesn't like him anymore.
... OH what a tangled web we weave!!!!!! bottom line: my mind is wrestling with infatuation, and I'm ticked about it.

please appreciate my tidy formatting. it helps keep everything from being just plain messy scrawl, ripped from my mind and then dropped on the page. or computer screen, as it were. I'm rather proud I came up with it. : )

quick notes: called Jordan and glad I did. we need to move past reminiscing, though. also, had two conversations with Tanya today in which she bared parts of her soul. I'm so honored she trusts me, but I get the feeling she just doesn't know where to turn. it's a heavy burden she puts on herself - I just hope I can help her find how to ease it.

I get knocked down. But I get up again

Ah, how the mighty blissful fall. shortly after my last post, I found myself going into total panic mode. I had one three-page essay for one class, one math exam, four chapters/three reviews/one essay for yet another class, AND a rough draft. and all due dates save one were before 2:30 on Friday. (I didn't realize how deep the sludge was that I was in until Thursday at 6 pm.) here's what happened: I worked on the first essay until it was finished - an hour and a half after it was due. in the meantime I totally ditched the class where I had (have) to write a heckuva lotta schtuff. this gave me exactly one hour to cram everything I've learned in math thus far onto a 3 by 5 notecard and book it to class for the exam. I did, barely, and utterly bombed the thing. I managed to complete one question out of ten. I worked on all of them, but there was so much I didn't know how to do, that my card was useless for... if I weren't trying so frantically to finish the thing, I would have broken down and cried. afterwards (at 3:30), I was drained. I walked home, still in my pajamas from the night before, starving because I couldn't afford the time for lunch much less breakfast, and thoroughly miserable. I got two Taco Bell gorditas and went over to the boys' place. Nick was leaving, but he said I could watch a movie (yay mind-numbing comedy) and recommended Monk. soon after Jon walked in. I explained how awful I felt, he paused for one second, and then: "I'm breaking out the Poptarts." not just the regular strawberry/blueberry/cinnamon Poptarts, though. he generously shared his supersecret stash of chocolate fudge. that compassionate act alone made me feel so much better, I nearly threw my arms around him and gave him a huge kiss (on the cheek). I didn't though - having not showered yet, I was rather disgusting. then we watched Monk together for over an hour, which also helped immensely. it's a good show! I was surprised how much I laughed. and then - Mom showed up. and the entire family! we went to Chipotle with Jon and Rachel, which was wonderful.

so now I'm in Longmont (did I have a choice?), STILL procrastinating on homework, after all that. will I never learn? off to auditions (blegh) for 24-hour one-acts. more on that as it comes up. or at least after I get a part.

OH what a beautiful day!

the last half hour has been nothing but happy.

(backstory: at lunch Nick and I discovered that not only are we the only two taking math classes, but they are actually taught by THE SAME PROFESSOR. Nick was telling a story about how his prof was telling this long elaborate story about how he lost his glasses so pardon his inability to read... while they were on top of his head. Nick finally got the courage to inform the guy, then a pause and: "We shall never speak of this again." this sounded so incredibly familiar, I had to ask. yup, same guy. Mike Petrie is so freaking terrific; he owns pretty much every math teacher but Allen, and even then it's a close tie.)

so after class, I go up to Mike and inform him of this recent turn of connections. he doesn't remember which one is Nick until I remind him about the glasses scenario. he slings an arm around me and says, "This is strictly between you and me: It's all theatrics. You know that. It's just all theatrics. Some times more so than others, but it's all me!" (sound familiar, guys?) this thrilled the heck out of me, because a senior friend of mine had told me three weeks ago about how Mike's an actor at heart, and I hadn't had the chance to talk to him about it.
basically, Mike knew about my knowing about his acting skillz before I told him I knew. and also note the implication: he knew I'm theatre on top of everything.
maybe I do wear a neon sign. one of Tanya's very first comments to me was: "You're like all the good parts of all the theatre people I know rolled up into one person. Just the good parts, though." she didn't even know I was a stage freak yet. she had no idea.


this was supposed to be short!!!!!!!! gah. I'm too spaz-happy to not yammer, I guess.
ANYWAYS.
I was frightfully happy because Mike pretty much made my day, so I was going around bounce-walking (those of you who have seen it know exactly what I'm talking about) and humming Montego Bay. then I hear, "Suzanne be so sexy!" So I talked to Linzie for five minutes, and we're both really happy people, so that was awesome on top of everything, and then I get home and there's a reply email from Starkey! and she basically tells me I've successfully exploded into college and to learn everything fascinating and experience EVERYTHING because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. which I plan on heartily disagreeing with, but then I'm not going to be an English teacher. I freaking love Starkey, though; she's so splendiferous.

so yeah. right now I'm so high on life. I can't cease smiling.