Isn't it messed up How I'm just dying to be here

IT'S WORSE! I've shot past infatuation to full-out crushing. Why does he have to be so... nice?! Gah. I'm a sucker for good listeners. I'm always the good listener, which is so ironic because half the time the teller is going on about how everyone tells them everything and how many secrets they have to keep and how they never get to talk! I'm the one who listens to the listeners, I guess, but what that means is I never get a true chance to unload. or even get a word in edgewise that goes beyond sy/empathy. so when I do find good listeners, I hold on to them like they're made of cheese. or something. I can think of only two off the top of my head that are pre-college. here, of course, somebody's willing to listen at all times. Jon and Jessica are the best at it, I think, but my poor biased brain places Nick at a close second. he's just got this way of looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes... gah. I'm hopeless. why? why why why why why? there's so many reasons, so very many reasons, why I should not like this boy, but then we're alone and talking and it just feels so safe and comfortable and I think he's turning into my best friend. and who can resist that? but on the other hand, I know for a fact he's not the perfect person for me, that I could never ever marry him and at this point the thought of marriage is definitely approaching. it's closer than ever. especially with Jessica getting married in three months and being around the singles ward, all of whom can't really think of anything but marriage... this sucks. this sucks this sucks this sucks. all I really want is a hug. a long, long hug, sincerely and warmly given from the guy I like. but it's never going to happen. he doesn't like me back (I know; he told me he doesn't like anybody right now), and I genuinely doubt he ever will. they never do. in this regard (and in math, but that's boring) I'm quite miserable and forlorn. but hey, everything else is dandy, so I only complain here. thanks for listening. ; )

I'll be your crying shoulder/better when I'm older.

this is such a bad idea, posting at 2:46 in the morning. but whatever, I'm siccing it on you anyway.

NEWS! I got asked out! by a guy, even. here's the problem, and what a major problem it is: I'm starting to like him. this is bad for two reasons:
One, I very much enjoy being single and crush-less and not thinking about that special someone at least once an hour, because it's such a waste of time and mindpower and makes me do awkward creeper-ish things which I despise;
and Two, I don't want to like Nick because
A) he's going on a mission soon, I'm not tying myself to a platonic long-distance relationship for two years, and it would be unfair to ask that of either of us,
B) it's been made quite clear
1) it is going to be a casual just-as-friends date,
[a) so he's not going to try anything, which come to think of it is a relief]
2) he's been in the habit of thinking about girls (see One. I can so relate) and he's trying to kick it because of his mission (see A)
3) and therefore there's no chance of an actual relationship (thankfully? there is some internal confusion at this point),
and C) he's annoying, tells very dumb jokes sometimes, and has a tendency to be an arrogant jerk. it's been his cover for too long, and while the nice guy shows through more often, he's not going to let it fall away completely any time soon.
ALSO: I think he may still like Rachel. but then, just because we've got some similarities doesn't mean we think or feel, as it were, in the same way. he may have been totally straight-up when he said he didn't care that she doesn't like him anymore.
... OH what a tangled web we weave!!!!!! bottom line: my mind is wrestling with infatuation, and I'm ticked about it.

please appreciate my tidy formatting. it helps keep everything from being just plain messy scrawl, ripped from my mind and then dropped on the page. or computer screen, as it were. I'm rather proud I came up with it. : )

quick notes: called Jordan and glad I did. we need to move past reminiscing, though. also, had two conversations with Tanya today in which she bared parts of her soul. I'm so honored she trusts me, but I get the feeling she just doesn't know where to turn. it's a heavy burden she puts on herself - I just hope I can help her find how to ease it.

I get knocked down. But I get up again

Ah, how the mighty blissful fall. shortly after my last post, I found myself going into total panic mode. I had one three-page essay for one class, one math exam, four chapters/three reviews/one essay for yet another class, AND a rough draft. and all due dates save one were before 2:30 on Friday. (I didn't realize how deep the sludge was that I was in until Thursday at 6 pm.) here's what happened: I worked on the first essay until it was finished - an hour and a half after it was due. in the meantime I totally ditched the class where I had (have) to write a heckuva lotta schtuff. this gave me exactly one hour to cram everything I've learned in math thus far onto a 3 by 5 notecard and book it to class for the exam. I did, barely, and utterly bombed the thing. I managed to complete one question out of ten. I worked on all of them, but there was so much I didn't know how to do, that my card was useless for... if I weren't trying so frantically to finish the thing, I would have broken down and cried. afterwards (at 3:30), I was drained. I walked home, still in my pajamas from the night before, starving because I couldn't afford the time for lunch much less breakfast, and thoroughly miserable. I got two Taco Bell gorditas and went over to the boys' place. Nick was leaving, but he said I could watch a movie (yay mind-numbing comedy) and recommended Monk. soon after Jon walked in. I explained how awful I felt, he paused for one second, and then: "I'm breaking out the Poptarts." not just the regular strawberry/blueberry/cinnamon Poptarts, though. he generously shared his supersecret stash of chocolate fudge. that compassionate act alone made me feel so much better, I nearly threw my arms around him and gave him a huge kiss (on the cheek). I didn't though - having not showered yet, I was rather disgusting. then we watched Monk together for over an hour, which also helped immensely. it's a good show! I was surprised how much I laughed. and then - Mom showed up. and the entire family! we went to Chipotle with Jon and Rachel, which was wonderful.

so now I'm in Longmont (did I have a choice?), STILL procrastinating on homework, after all that. will I never learn? off to auditions (blegh) for 24-hour one-acts. more on that as it comes up. or at least after I get a part.

OH what a beautiful day!

the last half hour has been nothing but happy.

(backstory: at lunch Nick and I discovered that not only are we the only two taking math classes, but they are actually taught by THE SAME PROFESSOR. Nick was telling a story about how his prof was telling this long elaborate story about how he lost his glasses so pardon his inability to read... while they were on top of his head. Nick finally got the courage to inform the guy, then a pause and: "We shall never speak of this again." this sounded so incredibly familiar, I had to ask. yup, same guy. Mike Petrie is so freaking terrific; he owns pretty much every math teacher but Allen, and even then it's a close tie.)

so after class, I go up to Mike and inform him of this recent turn of connections. he doesn't remember which one is Nick until I remind him about the glasses scenario. he slings an arm around me and says, "This is strictly between you and me: It's all theatrics. You know that. It's just all theatrics. Some times more so than others, but it's all me!" (sound familiar, guys?) this thrilled the heck out of me, because a senior friend of mine had told me three weeks ago about how Mike's an actor at heart, and I hadn't had the chance to talk to him about it.
basically, Mike knew about my knowing about his acting skillz before I told him I knew. and also note the implication: he knew I'm theatre on top of everything.
maybe I do wear a neon sign. one of Tanya's very first comments to me was: "You're like all the good parts of all the theatre people I know rolled up into one person. Just the good parts, though." she didn't even know I was a stage freak yet. she had no idea.


this was supposed to be short!!!!!!!! gah. I'm too spaz-happy to not yammer, I guess.
ANYWAYS.
I was frightfully happy because Mike pretty much made my day, so I was going around bounce-walking (those of you who have seen it know exactly what I'm talking about) and humming Montego Bay. then I hear, "Suzanne be so sexy!" So I talked to Linzie for five minutes, and we're both really happy people, so that was awesome on top of everything, and then I get home and there's a reply email from Starkey! and she basically tells me I've successfully exploded into college and to learn everything fascinating and experience EVERYTHING because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. which I plan on heartily disagreeing with, but then I'm not going to be an English teacher. I freaking love Starkey, though; she's so splendiferous.

so yeah. right now I'm so high on life. I can't cease smiling.