Going all the way, like there ain't no tomorrow

You will all be excited to learn that I've posted something. By "all," I mean Ben (who actually still uses Blogger). I'm now going to ignore that fact and write whatever.


My roommate is killing zombies in the living room, again. My other roommate is at her fiance's place, stressing over life, again. My soon-to-be-roommate is recovering from getting her wisdom teeth pulled, not again. And I? I just ended a looooooong conversation with Jordan.

I broke his heart. Three years ago I wouldn't have believed that to be possible. But I've done it. I broke Bradley's heart, too, and that I regret. But both times I did it for his sake as well as mine. It was what was best for both of us. And now I have to deal with the consequences of those actions.
Am I naive? Am I stupid and unrealistic for wanting so desperately to remain friends - good friends - with people I once was romantically involved with? Is that really so horribly wrong of me?

Bradley's recovering from another breakup now, one much worse and much more cruel than mine. I acted out of honesty and compassion. This girl... She's a wonderful person on the surface. Cheerful and bubbly and ready with a smile. But her actions these past few weeks have shown her to be selfish to a degree I find unfathomable. My only explanation I could offer to him was that she must be utterly confused in life right now. She's unsure of what she wants and has no idea how to go about getting it. I can't think of any other feasible reasons for why she acted as she did. She's dating someone else right now, leaving him with doubts and emotions I can only guess at. I want so badly to be there for Bradley; to comfort him and show that not everyone is willing to abandon him without a second thought. But the most pressing question is: would that be good for him? I'm an ex-girlfriend (more or less), a female, an enemy. Is it okay for me to try to get close like that? Would it bring up lingering feelings he may still have for me? Would my presence exacerbate his pain? I honestly don't know. If any of that's true, then I need to keep my distance and sympathize from afar. But I don't know! Maybe it would be good for him to see that not all girls are evil incarnate. Maybe he could use a friend like me right now. I wish I knew. In the meantime, I need to step carefully, because there is no way I want to lead anyone on to believe that I want to be romantically entangled with Bradley ever again. Gah. This isn't even ME making life complicated; these are conclusions I came to after talking to several people about it. GAH.

As for Jordan... There's no one who can help direct me there. No one knows who he is anymore, except his family and Bri. And Bri is a jerk. The more I hear about what she's like now, the more I wonder why he talks to her at all. I'm so proud of who he's turning into! He's becoming far less self-absorbed and far more compassionate to others. In another year or so he'll be the complete opposite of who he was, and I am so excited to watch it happen. On the other hand, he thinks he loves me. In fact, it might even be true. But I don't love him, not like that, and thus there is a problem. And so... In an unexpected move, I decided to be selfish myself, for maybe the first time ever when it comes to Jordan. I still talk to him once a week, sometimes for hours (like today). I don't protect him from blows: I talk about how I felt/feel about Bradley, I'm brutally honest about why I broke up with him, I make offhand comments that I know hurt him pretty badly. I'm downright mean, come to think of it. But I still care deeply about him. I still need to know he's doing fine, or I can't be fine myself. (Welcome to the world of Suzanne.) I do my best to cheer him up, make him laugh, show him the positive side of life. We talk about nothing for hours, and them BAM someone asks a question and we're getting emotional/ philosophical/ dead serious. I don't know how the heck we did it, but we are best friends again, on a much deeper level than when we were sixteen. I appreciate it, but, I mean, he's in love with me! And I'm incapable of returning that affection! It sucks for him, far worse than it does for me, but it's something we're both choosing to live with. One of us could easily say, "I can't handle this anymore; we can't keep bonding and progressing like this. It's too painful," and the other person would immediately say, "I understand. And I agree. Call me if you change your mind. Talk to you in a few months. I wish you the best and I hope you overcome the pain." And that'd be the end of it! Simple! But neither of us is willing to let go of the friendship. We miss each other terribly; we're reminded of past conversations and opinions in our separate lives; we want to communicate often. And that's just how it is. Someday I might have to pull on the "strong one" mask again and cut him off completely, for his own sake, but I don't want to do that now. He's recovering from the initial hurt far better than I expected him to, and I'm not noticing any devastating effects. It's wonderful having such an honest relationship. I never have to worry what he might be hiding from me. (Part of the reason I don't shield things from him, by the way.)

Okay, okay. I think y'all have a good idea of my stance on both boys right now. What kind of a culture are we living in, anyway? Where not only do I want to talk more about males I'm not even romantically inclined towards (anymore) instead of my family reunion in Canda or the fact that I landed a job or how I'm completely revamping my room, BUT I am encouraged to talk so. Everyone wants to hear the juicy details, not the dry boring stuff. (Although, the reunion was anything but boring!) Why are such details of my life considered boring, anyway? Why is analyzing motives and emotions of various people more entertaining than a description of my wall decor or how the job interview went? Why is society geared like that? (This is why I love Cultural Anthropology; I catch myself asking questions like this and puzzling over what the answers could be.) Question amongst yourselves. I'm going to eat dinner and watch a movie. : )

Come what may

Double meaning, up there --^ It references both a talk and a song. And that makes me happy.

I love Bradley. I do. It's a little weird to think that, because I've been thinking about it so long without coming to any conclusions, but watching Moulin Rouge a couple days ago made it all click. Not saying I'd die for him or anything drastic and everlasting, but at the very least I love him like I love my dear friends. He's important to me. And he reallyreallyreally wants to learn how to do aerials. : ) Yay dancing!
We're not official. No kissing as of yet. But, I think both are coming up soon... Eeee. For the first time in nineteen years, I have a date for Valentine's Day! Holy mackrels, Batman! It's going to be an absolute blast, I can feel it in my marrow. I'm excited.

In other news, I have a marketing test tomorrow I should be studying for. Also, got my essay back today. Another fricking A-! I hate my life. Not really, but I so utterly resent the English Department here for not telling me I suck, here's how to fix it. That essay was a half-botched speed-through on a topic I detested and barely researched, which I did NOT proof-read, period. Written in one sitting and then turned in pronto, no look-backs. and I get a fricking A minus. WHY? Thank you very much, I know I'm a great writer. But please, oh please, can someone rip my work apart? Can a competent person I respect read something and say, "This is bull. You didn't even try. I refuse to accept this shoddy, flimsy excuse of an essay. Come back with something semi-decent!" I would kiss them! I am beginning to realize the adage "English majors are full of BS" is truer than I'd wished. I can get a solid A in any English class on campus, I guarantee it. and that, more than anything else, is the reason I NEED to get out of this school and go somewhere that will actually challenge me writing-wise. Too bad I screwed myself over in that regard...

I think I love you

Rewind to this past Monday real quick. It's after FHE (it's a weekly church activity), and Bradley and I are talking more or less as usual, except that I give him a dancing lesson. : ) But then he does something that switches up the equation: he volunteers - no, insists - on walking me home. So he does, and I make him come inside to see the lobby TV, to see what we're working with here. (He's talking me into a movie night at this point, even though just a week ago he didn't like the idea of a movie date at all. Boys.) So we're in the hallway between the lobby and the front desk, talking and talking and talking, and he's kind of complaining because I asked him out on a date, and that date is to go see a play, and Pirates of Penzance isn't til April, and am I really going to make him wait that long? and I'm frustrated because he could totally take me out before then if he wanted, but he doesn't see it that way because I asked him and "that's not how it works." and we're discussing the whole movie idea but can't come to an agreement on when/where, and we finally agree to just talk about it later. and then eventually we're both all, "I/you have to go, my/your brother is waiting" and he says "You want a hug?" and I say "Of course!" but the thing is, he is so fricking awkward about it. he literally has to mentally brace himself, like he's about to jump out of a plane or something. at one point, a male friend of mine walks past and we talk for a moment and he gives me a hug, no big deal. and he leaves and I look over at Bradley and say, "That's how it's supposed to work." he shakes his head. "I can't do that. I don't work that way. I don't just hand out hugs like..." "Pretzels?" I finish for him, and I get this sick feeling as I say it. He nods. what you need to understand is, there's this saying in the Mormon culture: "Don't give out your kisses like pretzels." it basically means, kisses are something special so save it for someone special and a special time, and lots of people translate that to mean "until marriage" or at least "the fifth date" or something like that. kissing = sacred, pretty much. so it clicks in my head that to Bradley, hugging is something that should not happen that often, if ever, and that gives me this sick feeling in my stomach, and I can see us going through this conversation over and over where I have to argue that it's all right, it's normal, it's practically expected, and him saying No! it's not! but anyway, we finally really are about to hug, but he holds his arms out and wiggles his fingers in this hilarious way that makes me just crack up, but underneath that I am near tears in frustration. I have never met anyone, in my entire life, who needed practice on hugging someone. in my head I have gone through everyone I've ever encountered, especially boys, over and over, and while I can think of a few who opted for a handshake instead or at least were awkward about it, it's because they didn't want a hug. but this boy did! Bradley fricking wanted a hug and was still awful and awkward and... I keep trying to explain but I just don't have the words. the best way I can put it is, he was in serious need of practice before he could pull off the real thing. so finally we do this two-second squeeze that... just doesn't feel right. it felt like it was compulsory and insincere on his end. and I don't even want a hug if that's how he fricking feels about it. but afterwards he finally leaves, and I go to my room and throw myself on the couch and just arrgh! and I try telling McKenzie why exactly I'm so frustrated. she nods sympathetically - "boys are stupid" - and I simply agree because I just can't explain what had just happened. and I think, "after such encounters, aren't I supposed to be all happily dreamily dazed and floating? you know, gushy? this is all wrong, this is just wrong." and I even started evaluating myself on how much I really do like Bradley.

BUT THEN! I calm down, and the weather turns super nice. as in, people are out in shorts and flipflops and no sweaters and it's a balmy 70 degrees. insane for January, but that's Colorado. and I get a weird idea in my head. after some rapid texting and a lovely phone call later that week, I am not only fully recovered but have a spectacular plan for a date. unfortunately, it almost gets ruined because Bradley can't come during the day, but I adjust accordingly and it all worked out even better than anticipated. here's what happened: after an hour of me rushing around and yelling hysterically organizing everything, Bradley arrived at seven pm on Thursday. he was ushered into the dorm room, where we chilled with McKenz (who was instrumental in getting things done, let me just say) for a few minutes. then he gets informed that we are going on an expedition. after grabbing my pack, we are off (just the two of us. McKenz is staying behind to help get the other half of our date set up). I lead him across campus to this perfectly splendid tree I discovered last semester and tell him that we're going to climb it. after we do so, I pull two books out of my backpack and tell him we're going to read them. and we do. by the light of my booklight, he reads "Stand Back," Said the Elephant. "I'm Going To Sneeze!" and I read Possum Come A-Knocking and we eat peanut butter jam sandwiches. (Welcome to my weird ideas. I love them; they're usually brilliant. or at least memorable. and anyway, I thoroughly enjoy tree-climbing.) then we climb down, gratified no policemen came up and told us to stop disturbing the peace, and head back to the dorm. along the way, we go through the tunnel. I take the opportunity to finally belt out something (no one else around! that's rare, y'know) and appreciate the echoes. I ironically choose the final chorus of Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid. so then we keep walking and Bradley starts the intro to Can You Feel the Love Tonight ("I can see what's happening." "What?" and etc.) and I chime in and then he won't actually sing the first line. so we get into a fifteen minute tussle and finally I get him to accompany me because he all-out refuses to sing on his own, all for a silly two-bar line. and then he brings up dancing lessons. so we have an impromptu lesson right there on the sidewalk - it is nice and wide, after all - less than three minutes from home at this point, and since I coincidentally learned how to lead at Swing Club the day before, it progresses a lot better than the last time. we end up dancing for over an hour, and he gets the basic steps down cold and teaches me a new way to be dipped. I don't think either of us wanted to stop because it was so nice holding hands. : ) then finally we're back, and it's after nine, and it's me and him and McKenz and Rachel and then Eileen (whose DVD player I'm borrowing), and then Nick shows up and then two girls from Swing who are visiting him, and all of a sudden it's a party! Bradley retreats to my room from the living area and reads part of a manuscript I'm editing for a friend while I mainly talk to Rachel. (I know; aren't I terrible?) and then it's after ten and I'm going spastic because we were supposed to start the movie forever ago, and so I grab a blanket and the DVD player and we head up to the second floor lobby, because while the TV is smaller, it's a smaller room and just a lot cozier. and even though I invited everyone mentioned to come watch with us, it really did end up just being me and Bradley. so we turn off the lights and sit on opposite ends of the couch and watch Emperor's New Groove, which Bradley has never seen before and which started the entire idea of a movie night in the first place. and he's commenting and I'm shushing him because he's missing the funny lines which I'm quoting along with the movie... and about halfway through, I'm sprawled with my legs up on the arm of the couch leaning back, when all of a sudden he says, "that looks comfortable," and while I say "it is" he shifts around and all of a sudden we're back to back leaning against each other, and so I rest my head against his neck and we keep watching. lovely. but then we get tired of that and we shift around some more and at one point, both of our arms are up on the back of the couch and he brushes his fingers against my upper arm, up and down... and I don't know why, but that gave me more of a thrill than anything else all night. it took resolve for me to stay still at that point and not react. but that's kind of how it goes for the rest of the movie, except that sixteen minutes before the end, it got jerky and stopped. and instead of going to fix it right away, we talked! even though it was midnight and he had to get up at four the next morning. but finally we get up and clean it off and restart it and watch the ending. after dropping off the player and the movie and the blanket at my room, I walk him out to his car. he grabs my hand and says, "it's cold!" and I'm startled and say "your hands are warm!" because when we were dancing earlier, it was totally the opposite. but now he's warming up my hands, and we just. keep. talking. and then it's after one in the morning... and then he puts his arm around me nicely casual, and then I wrap my arms around him and we're hugging and THIS is how it's SUPPOSED to go. warm and sweet and sincere and just kind of out of the blue but not completely unexpected and just wonderful. the difference is shocking, but of course I'm not thinking about that. finally we have to let go, and finally I herd him into his truck, and finally we say goodnight for the last time and I walk back across the street and wave him off. then I floated back to my room and was completely just blissful for the next 24 hours. and I'm gonna be all warm and fuzzy for the next month, seriously. I flipping love this feeling.

haha, sorry for the gush. but I can't help it... I'm simply infatuated.

We get up anyway

I did something a little dumb, but I feel it's suitable penance. I set my alarm for 5 this morning to text Bradley. I've been in the habit of waking astonishingly early and shooting off a text if I'm lucid enough, then probably going back to sleep afterwards. (Bradley's a dairy farmer. He gets up at four every morning.) But I actually set my alarm to make up for missing his call yesterday, which I felt (feel) terrible about. I was over at the boys', meeting their new roommate Alex. we watched a horrid movie (Anger Management, don't recommend it), Jon finally showed up, and then I ended up talking to Kody of all people until after midnight. and I left my phone back at our place, and seeing that missed call made me feel sick. but he left me an awfully funny/adorable voicemail. the alarm worked wonderfully this morning... and then I couldn't go back to sleep! gah. penance indeed. and now because I'm not going to bed at a reasonable hour, and actually setting alarms to get up, my health is regressing. just in time for classes starting. I completely forgot I arranged my schedule so I only have one class ever before noon. hopefully by the end of the semester I'll be thinking: what a stupid idea that was, but hey, at least I can get stuff done in the morning. although I kind of doubt it... my inner realist is clamoring I'm gonna backslide. we'll see.

quick notes on the past month, so I don't forget: December 13 - went out with Sam, sat talking about boys as usual. I was gushing; she was morose. we convinced Ben to sneak out, and spent an enjoyable few hours in a different parking lot until it started snowing. Sam was freaking out so I dropped them off. 'twas still splendid.
December 22 - the Seyfi Annual Christmas Party. this year's theme switched from Carolling to Ugly Sweaters. after inviting all of my college friends, Bradley was the only one able to show. he came early, left late. I was dashing all over the house playing hostess to get rid of all that nervous energy. finally at the end he offered me a hug, no promise attached. I was sideswiped and needed to understand why for the promise, thus said no thanks, and got a handshake instead.
December 23 - more time with Ben and Sam. this time we opted for Perkins because parking lots are cold/dangerous and my basement didn't sound promising. they acted like a couple practically, and again, we had an enjoyable time. unfortunately, this would be the last time I hung out with both at once.
December 24 - my birthday. was awoken at 5:30 exactly by a text from Bradley, which was a nice way to start things off. went to Olive Garden to celebrate, for the first time since Florida. Ben and Sam reported back that they loved my present (a letter, essentially), and nearly/cried, respectively. then they remembered to wish me a happy one, which I found funny.
December 25 - Christmas. Syd cried after reading my story; Selina was less exuberant. I got a shaving razor from Santa... called everybody I know and managed to talk to Bradley for an hour or so. goodNESS, I wonder who I obsessed over all break?! (it gets worse.)
December 27 - headed up to Greeley for Jessica's reception. got there late, spent an enjoyable evening talking with Kristen and Sister Walpole (Bradley's female relations, yes it was a coincidence!) and dancing with Rachel. ended up blushing a lot, but laughing too. stayed overnight with Ashley and saw the Walpoles at church the next day. Brian was leery due to my joke of a perfume-drenched letter, but I think he liked my gift, as did they all.
December 31 - drove back to Greeley for a spur-of-the-moment gathering. I blame Tanya! also attending were Bradley and Kristen, Josh and his brother, Taylor, and eventually Carol. we agreed a small group was a nice change. yay for pizza and Cranium. that night was Em's annual bash. formal wear this year, but we all changed and trooped out to the golf course for midnight. it was windy cold! I would have much preferred if it was just me, Sam, and Ben, but I took what I got. thought about Bradley almost the entire time and caught a nasty virus.
January 1 to the present - sick sick sick sick SICK. gah I hate lingering symptoms. at least I managed to watch Top Gun. and then ruined it for Bradley. I regret nothing!
January 2 - finally went on that date with David. went ice skating, then to Panda Express. I think he'll turn out to be a good friend after all. honestly I don't think he likes me that much that way. thank goodness! called Bradley to report on it immediately afterward (I'm terrible); ended up asking him out on a second date. he was shocked, poor fellow. he's so dear.
January 7 - retreated to Sam's place to avoid the cavalcade of young girls swarming my house around seven, after repeated promises of being home by ten. I ended up spending the night... and didn't call or text the parents. I'm not that sorry. it was one of those unforgettable experiences that we'll be talking about until the next time. and besides, I worked out all my guilt by cleaning the upstairs bathroom, which is a scary place, of my own violition. Mom and Dad didn't have much time to be upset, anyway, because...
January 8 - Bradley finally took my dad up on his offer of a tour of the office. I think both were kind of excited about it, in their own ways. then Dad had a client or something, so Bradley came back to the house and we took the girls ice skating. Syd was having troubles, so he ended up holding her hand first. she needed my permission before she'd let him. then he decided to teach me how to skate backwards, which was petrifying and thrilling all at once. after doing it on my own, I figured out the hip-swing, and I think he rather enjoyed the view. also inadvertently came up with a new family joke: "I'm a bird!" it was an enchanting two hours. then back home for dinner and a round of Candyland, which Bradley won hands down and I lost spectacularly at. after everyone's farewells, the two of us spent a good twenty minutes at his car dithering about how awkward and what a big deal it shouldn't be, then finally hugged. I was exhausted and on cloud nine that night. possibly ten.
January 10 - finished packing up and moved back into the dorms. haven't been to bed before 12:30 since. I missed everyone so much. man, it's good to be home!

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?

still smitten with Bradley. still loving college. still clashing with parents over amounts of freedom given. still torn up about the Work Problem. and...

still can't believe I'm almost nineteen. what's up with that? so far as I can tell, I forget my birthday's even coming up unless it's a milestone year (thus I was anxious about turning twelve, thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, and eighteen, but blew off fifteen and seventeen and now, nineteen). this means it's been a year since I became an adult. and what have I done with that? graduated from high school and for the first time in my life got bored over the summer. went off to college and decided to major in Pirate. voted in a presidental election for Harrison Ford. turned down my first love and became enamoured with a cowboy four years older than me. did not dress up for Halloween, but did dress up for International Talk Like a Pirate Day. am I an adult? yes. am I grown up? HECK NO!

what on earth am I going to do with myself this next year? I feel like I should make my resolutions early. what exactly is the expectation for a nineteen-year-old? I suppose I should just pull a regular and vow to become a better person than I am now. I do it every year, in some form or other. this year... I don't know if I've improved. honestly, I feel I've regressed. but... I am more confident. I am much more comfortable with who I am and much less likely to judge others. (mostly.) I know myself better now that Mom's shadow has withdrawn, and I've got some ideas on how to counteract my inner nature's awful habits. and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get some writing done this next semester. who knows how life will turn out? I eagerly await whatever happens.

Do you wanna dance with me?

Well, tonight was it. the Date. it was splendid, of course. I should do it more often.
after fretting for an hour that he'd have to cancel again, Bradley picked me up at 7ish sharp. destination: Johnny Carino's. it was an exciting ride, as Bradley was still drugged up from some medication he'd taken for an ear infection... animal medication. he nearly ran over a car. at the restaurant I spent a spectacularly long time to decide what to order, which is unusual for me, but thankfully I didn't freak out over it and the waitress got to make fun of me. : ) Bradley had the brilliant idea of tearing the wax paper that came with the bread into squares - he made a rose. and a butterfly. I made a cootie catcher. I couldn't think of any fortunes because we were talking so much (also adding to my indecision mentioned previously), but I finally finished it after we were done eating. then I asked for a lecture on why abolishing the penny is bad for the economy, wherein I learned several pertinent facts that apparently shouldn't be entrusted to high school AP exams but seem much more important to the debate than mere convenience. (we also talked about our parents and love at first sight and marriage and Florida and Colorado and family and eating habits and, well, all sorts of things.) after making me another rose, which I left for the waitress, we were off again!
he'd promised me ice cream. he thought I knew an ice cream place. after all, I'm the one who lives in Greeley proper. and he refused to let me ask around... we ended up going to McDonald's because McFlurries are delicious, and, well, in a phone conversation earlier this week we discovered a mutual love of the Playplace. so after eating our McFlurries (we both got Oreo), we raced to the top! (it was a tie, no joke.) we agreed this particular Playplace was sub-par; only one slide and no ball pit. but then again, it had a rocket area! at this point it was about 9:15... we stayed up at the top, just talking, until after 11. we talked about his brothers and kittens and college and missions and languages and pushing Selina down the stairs and destroying property and "hockey" and Jordan and shoes and finances and careers and things that make me uncomfortable (Bradley 1] talking about being poor and 2] holding my hand in both of his) and cows and back when we'd first met and addresses and eye color and again, all sorts of things. there's one feature of the Playplace - a "satellite" - where you twirl a wheel attached through the ceiling and it spins. we were playing with that, off and on, and checking down below to make sure our coats were still there, and then they weren't! and we could hear talking... and I saw an employee walk towards the Playplace. I went further over to get a better look; Bradley went down the slide. after a minute or so I caught on and followed him down. our coats were fine, just moved to a different table, so we put them on and agreed maybe it was time to go. Bradley explained he'd almost run into the employee I'd seen walking around, who had then told him she'd thought maybe there were kids up there, and no parents! another worker gave us a very suspicious look as we walked out, at which point I just about burst laughing. "I don't think they believed you that we were just talking up there!" "Oh no - they'll be telling each other not to go to the top any more..."
Then I remembered he was still drugged up, so he let me drive the truck home. after a lot of warnings and fuss made over how trucks are different, I came to the conclusion that they are just. taller. and wider. I did not almost run over anybody. and then we were back at Hansen-Willis, and I got out and got my purse and my rose and my leftovers, and we both kind of didn't know what to do. we were talking still and trying to wrap up and I finally got the lowdown on his hug policy (Brian has strict rules about touching girls. Bradley has a hug policy). he only hugs girls under certain circumstances, most of which I can guess, and he makes them promise him something before they can hug him. this is as far as I'd gotten previously. I'm going to blame the drugs for the fact that he told me (finally!) what that promise is: they have to promise not to fall in love with him. I immediately asked if he'd seen A Walk To Remember, which he had. I wanted to discuss the thought process behind why he'd want to extract such a promise, but we were trying to say goodbye here and it was fricking cold out. so we stood there awkwardly trying to figure out what we're supposed to do, which ended with the (unspoken) decision to do nothing, so I walked to the door, swiped my card, and went in. end of a fantastic date. minimal awkwardness, maximum communication and all-around fun times. and we agreed another one is necessary. : )

also, more happy fun times once I got in the room. McKenz and Rache were home, as was Jon! and then Nick showed up, and we spent a delightful hour talking about 90's toys (old school Polly Pockets. BOO yeah) and PE tricycle things and egg drops and shooting potatoes through trees... everyone agreed after Nick left the room that he'd probably made that last one up. but seriously, it's been such a long time since we've just all gotten together and talked like that. it was wonderful. after Nick and Kenz left, Jon talked to Rachel and me, and then just me, about his childhood (which I kind of want now) and how easily people forget why they're in Music, why they're in college, and a bit about what being a Christian means (love God, love your neighbors. that's it, really) and finally he went to bed because he's dang sick and he's got a final tomorrow, and so now I'm typing this up before I forget it. it's been such a wonderful night!!! made even better by the facts that A) my finals were aced and done with earlier today, and B) I'm going home tomorrow, for a whole month.

for the first time in my life, I could die right now and be happy. this is what I call bliss.

It's a hard day's night, and I been working like a dog

so true. homework has been lots or none, in spurts; it's been rather weird. and I'm consistently staying up until three or four in the morning... which is unhealthy, I know, but I can't help myself. it's habit now!

update on the Bradley Saga (my life is divided into sagas, I've decided): a day has been chosen for our double date. next Monday after FHE with Brian and Noelle, to be specific. but I am skipping ahead - it is important to know that Sam finally stayed with me for a few days. Sunday night to 1:40ish today... I miss her already! but Monday night, the one guaranteed time I get to talk to Bradley for more than a few minutes, Sam decided it was the most hilarious thing in the world to watch me blush. she hadn't even met the guy officially before she started in. I, trying to calm myself down, started trying to think of boring sedate things...
"Baseball! baseball is boring! Think about baseball..."
"Does Bradley play baseball?"
"Not that I know of," I snapped.
"I'll bet he looks really good playing baseball, actually," at which point I tried to tune her out. but then -
"38, 39... 40 shades of red. That's a good color on you, dear."
"I hate you, Sam!"
and so on and so forth. I took some deep breaths and introduced the two, finally, and after ten minutes of conversation centering around how Sam could be related to me, we look and act so similarly, and Bradley pulling me aside to say Josh won't be back in time and asking if next Monday is okay with me, and of course I say that's just fine! and just when I'd finally gotten my face looking normal again, all of a sudden Brian gets in on the fun and starts teasing me too! so he and Sam are teaming up on me and I reach forty-five shades and I just can't handle everyone looking so I run away to another room and hide beside the door, but then Brian opens it and is trying to tell me he's just teasing but he's got this laugh in his voice so I know he's not going to stop so I push him out, but I can hear him and Sam talking because I haven't introduced her to him yet, and Sam's saying "he's playing Bad Day!" meaning Bradley on the piano who apparently is blushing just as hard as I am and I just melt right there because how did he know? because seriously that is one of my favorite songs... but I'm still upset and still embarrassed and when Brian says, "I'm the cooler brother" to Sam I storm out, still fire-red, push past them saying "He's the mean brother!" and go to the other side of the lobby to the rec room to the kitchen, where I try desperately to calm down. I realize I just made a scene, which is exactly what I did not want, because I do not want the fact that Bradley asked me out spread all over the place because I just can't handle that yet, obviously, and this knowledge is not helping me at all, and I can hear everyone asking "what was that about?" "I think you made her mad, Brian" "maybe you'd better say sorry" and I've got my hands on my head like I can't breathe after a run looking up at the ceiling and Sam walks in and says, "You love me. Give me a hug" and I'm far too upset with her so I push her away and turn around and there's Brian... with his hand out. This is a big deal; this is huge. this is his way of apologizing. I can't help myself, not that I want to: I smile and relax instantly. I shake Brian's hand. he smiles back and says, "You okay?" I say, "Yeah." and we walk back out to the lobby, Sam behind us.

and the next day I talk to Bradley for a full hour on the phone, which I totally did not expect to do. it's a good thing, though, because one of my definite unchangeable criteria is to be able to just talk to the guy, so an hour-long conversation about not much really is a very good sign. but now I have to plan a date... in nothing-to-do Greeley. I need to set some time aside and just think creative/cheap. it'd be so much easier if it weren't so frigging cold out... how do I get into these things? seriously, I'd be fine with another movie night like last time, but Mormons have weird high standards about dates... the irony is that I've only ever been on one date (which Bradley didn't believe. "What was wrong with all those high school guys?!" awww...), but I've heard of all sorts of activities and ideas from friends who dated frequently, so I still have more of an idea than Bradley... and (probably) Brian. what I should do is be sensible and talk to Noelle... or Nick or Jon. they're experienced in this kind of thing. gah. luckily if Bradley and I can't come up with anything by Sunday, it's out of our hands and we don't have to worry about it, yay. but it might be fun to try...