I think I love you

Rewind to this past Monday real quick. It's after FHE (it's a weekly church activity), and Bradley and I are talking more or less as usual, except that I give him a dancing lesson. : ) But then he does something that switches up the equation: he volunteers - no, insists - on walking me home. So he does, and I make him come inside to see the lobby TV, to see what we're working with here. (He's talking me into a movie night at this point, even though just a week ago he didn't like the idea of a movie date at all. Boys.) So we're in the hallway between the lobby and the front desk, talking and talking and talking, and he's kind of complaining because I asked him out on a date, and that date is to go see a play, and Pirates of Penzance isn't til April, and am I really going to make him wait that long? and I'm frustrated because he could totally take me out before then if he wanted, but he doesn't see it that way because I asked him and "that's not how it works." and we're discussing the whole movie idea but can't come to an agreement on when/where, and we finally agree to just talk about it later. and then eventually we're both all, "I/you have to go, my/your brother is waiting" and he says "You want a hug?" and I say "Of course!" but the thing is, he is so fricking awkward about it. he literally has to mentally brace himself, like he's about to jump out of a plane or something. at one point, a male friend of mine walks past and we talk for a moment and he gives me a hug, no big deal. and he leaves and I look over at Bradley and say, "That's how it's supposed to work." he shakes his head. "I can't do that. I don't work that way. I don't just hand out hugs like..." "Pretzels?" I finish for him, and I get this sick feeling as I say it. He nods. what you need to understand is, there's this saying in the Mormon culture: "Don't give out your kisses like pretzels." it basically means, kisses are something special so save it for someone special and a special time, and lots of people translate that to mean "until marriage" or at least "the fifth date" or something like that. kissing = sacred, pretty much. so it clicks in my head that to Bradley, hugging is something that should not happen that often, if ever, and that gives me this sick feeling in my stomach, and I can see us going through this conversation over and over where I have to argue that it's all right, it's normal, it's practically expected, and him saying No! it's not! but anyway, we finally really are about to hug, but he holds his arms out and wiggles his fingers in this hilarious way that makes me just crack up, but underneath that I am near tears in frustration. I have never met anyone, in my entire life, who needed practice on hugging someone. in my head I have gone through everyone I've ever encountered, especially boys, over and over, and while I can think of a few who opted for a handshake instead or at least were awkward about it, it's because they didn't want a hug. but this boy did! Bradley fricking wanted a hug and was still awful and awkward and... I keep trying to explain but I just don't have the words. the best way I can put it is, he was in serious need of practice before he could pull off the real thing. so finally we do this two-second squeeze that... just doesn't feel right. it felt like it was compulsory and insincere on his end. and I don't even want a hug if that's how he fricking feels about it. but afterwards he finally leaves, and I go to my room and throw myself on the couch and just arrgh! and I try telling McKenzie why exactly I'm so frustrated. she nods sympathetically - "boys are stupid" - and I simply agree because I just can't explain what had just happened. and I think, "after such encounters, aren't I supposed to be all happily dreamily dazed and floating? you know, gushy? this is all wrong, this is just wrong." and I even started evaluating myself on how much I really do like Bradley.

BUT THEN! I calm down, and the weather turns super nice. as in, people are out in shorts and flipflops and no sweaters and it's a balmy 70 degrees. insane for January, but that's Colorado. and I get a weird idea in my head. after some rapid texting and a lovely phone call later that week, I am not only fully recovered but have a spectacular plan for a date. unfortunately, it almost gets ruined because Bradley can't come during the day, but I adjust accordingly and it all worked out even better than anticipated. here's what happened: after an hour of me rushing around and yelling hysterically organizing everything, Bradley arrived at seven pm on Thursday. he was ushered into the dorm room, where we chilled with McKenz (who was instrumental in getting things done, let me just say) for a few minutes. then he gets informed that we are going on an expedition. after grabbing my pack, we are off (just the two of us. McKenz is staying behind to help get the other half of our date set up). I lead him across campus to this perfectly splendid tree I discovered last semester and tell him that we're going to climb it. after we do so, I pull two books out of my backpack and tell him we're going to read them. and we do. by the light of my booklight, he reads "Stand Back," Said the Elephant. "I'm Going To Sneeze!" and I read Possum Come A-Knocking and we eat peanut butter jam sandwiches. (Welcome to my weird ideas. I love them; they're usually brilliant. or at least memorable. and anyway, I thoroughly enjoy tree-climbing.) then we climb down, gratified no policemen came up and told us to stop disturbing the peace, and head back to the dorm. along the way, we go through the tunnel. I take the opportunity to finally belt out something (no one else around! that's rare, y'know) and appreciate the echoes. I ironically choose the final chorus of Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid. so then we keep walking and Bradley starts the intro to Can You Feel the Love Tonight ("I can see what's happening." "What?" and etc.) and I chime in and then he won't actually sing the first line. so we get into a fifteen minute tussle and finally I get him to accompany me because he all-out refuses to sing on his own, all for a silly two-bar line. and then he brings up dancing lessons. so we have an impromptu lesson right there on the sidewalk - it is nice and wide, after all - less than three minutes from home at this point, and since I coincidentally learned how to lead at Swing Club the day before, it progresses a lot better than the last time. we end up dancing for over an hour, and he gets the basic steps down cold and teaches me a new way to be dipped. I don't think either of us wanted to stop because it was so nice holding hands. : ) then finally we're back, and it's after nine, and it's me and him and McKenz and Rachel and then Eileen (whose DVD player I'm borrowing), and then Nick shows up and then two girls from Swing who are visiting him, and all of a sudden it's a party! Bradley retreats to my room from the living area and reads part of a manuscript I'm editing for a friend while I mainly talk to Rachel. (I know; aren't I terrible?) and then it's after ten and I'm going spastic because we were supposed to start the movie forever ago, and so I grab a blanket and the DVD player and we head up to the second floor lobby, because while the TV is smaller, it's a smaller room and just a lot cozier. and even though I invited everyone mentioned to come watch with us, it really did end up just being me and Bradley. so we turn off the lights and sit on opposite ends of the couch and watch Emperor's New Groove, which Bradley has never seen before and which started the entire idea of a movie night in the first place. and he's commenting and I'm shushing him because he's missing the funny lines which I'm quoting along with the movie... and about halfway through, I'm sprawled with my legs up on the arm of the couch leaning back, when all of a sudden he says, "that looks comfortable," and while I say "it is" he shifts around and all of a sudden we're back to back leaning against each other, and so I rest my head against his neck and we keep watching. lovely. but then we get tired of that and we shift around some more and at one point, both of our arms are up on the back of the couch and he brushes his fingers against my upper arm, up and down... and I don't know why, but that gave me more of a thrill than anything else all night. it took resolve for me to stay still at that point and not react. but that's kind of how it goes for the rest of the movie, except that sixteen minutes before the end, it got jerky and stopped. and instead of going to fix it right away, we talked! even though it was midnight and he had to get up at four the next morning. but finally we get up and clean it off and restart it and watch the ending. after dropping off the player and the movie and the blanket at my room, I walk him out to his car. he grabs my hand and says, "it's cold!" and I'm startled and say "your hands are warm!" because when we were dancing earlier, it was totally the opposite. but now he's warming up my hands, and we just. keep. talking. and then it's after one in the morning... and then he puts his arm around me nicely casual, and then I wrap my arms around him and we're hugging and THIS is how it's SUPPOSED to go. warm and sweet and sincere and just kind of out of the blue but not completely unexpected and just wonderful. the difference is shocking, but of course I'm not thinking about that. finally we have to let go, and finally I herd him into his truck, and finally we say goodnight for the last time and I walk back across the street and wave him off. then I floated back to my room and was completely just blissful for the next 24 hours. and I'm gonna be all warm and fuzzy for the next month, seriously. I flipping love this feeling.

haha, sorry for the gush. but I can't help it... I'm simply infatuated.