I did something a little dumb, but I feel it's suitable penance. I set my alarm for 5 this morning to text Bradley. I've been in the habit of waking astonishingly early and shooting off a text if I'm lucid enough, then probably going back to sleep afterwards. (Bradley's a dairy farmer. He gets up at four every morning.) But I actually set my alarm to make up for missing his call yesterday, which I felt (feel) terrible about. I was over at the boys', meeting their new roommate Alex. we watched a horrid movie (Anger Management, don't recommend it), Jon finally showed up, and then I ended up talking to Kody of all people until after midnight. and I left my phone back at our place, and seeing that missed call made me feel sick. but he left me an awfully funny/adorable voicemail. the alarm worked wonderfully this morning... and then I couldn't go back to sleep! gah. penance indeed. and now because I'm not going to bed at a reasonable hour, and actually setting alarms to get up, my health is regressing. just in time for classes starting. I completely forgot I arranged my schedule so I only have one class ever before noon. hopefully by the end of the semester I'll be thinking: what a stupid idea that was, but hey, at least I can get stuff done in the morning. although I kind of doubt it... my inner realist is clamoring I'm gonna backslide. we'll see.
quick notes on the past month, so I don't forget: December 13 - went out with Sam, sat talking about boys as usual. I was gushing; she was morose. we convinced Ben to sneak out, and spent an enjoyable few hours in a different parking lot until it started snowing. Sam was freaking out so I dropped them off. 'twas still splendid.
December 22 - the Seyfi Annual Christmas Party. this year's theme switched from Carolling to Ugly Sweaters. after inviting all of my college friends, Bradley was the only one able to show. he came early, left late. I was dashing all over the house playing hostess to get rid of all that nervous energy. finally at the end he offered me a hug, no promise attached. I was sideswiped and needed to understand why for the promise, thus said no thanks, and got a handshake instead.
December 23 - more time with Ben and Sam. this time we opted for Perkins because parking lots are cold/dangerous and my basement didn't sound promising. they acted like a couple practically, and again, we had an enjoyable time. unfortunately, this would be the last time I hung out with both at once.
December 24 - my birthday. was awoken at 5:30 exactly by a text from Bradley, which was a nice way to start things off. went to Olive Garden to celebrate, for the first time since Florida. Ben and Sam reported back that they loved my present (a letter, essentially), and nearly/cried, respectively. then they remembered to wish me a happy one, which I found funny.
December 25 - Christmas. Syd cried after reading my story; Selina was less exuberant. I got a shaving razor from Santa... called everybody I know and managed to talk to Bradley for an hour or so. goodNESS, I wonder who I obsessed over all break?! (it gets worse.)
December 27 - headed up to Greeley for Jessica's reception. got there late, spent an enjoyable evening talking with Kristen and Sister Walpole (Bradley's female relations, yes it was a coincidence!) and dancing with Rachel. ended up blushing a lot, but laughing too. stayed overnight with Ashley and saw the Walpoles at church the next day. Brian was leery due to my joke of a perfume-drenched letter, but I think he liked my gift, as did they all.
December 31 - drove back to Greeley for a spur-of-the-moment gathering. I blame Tanya! also attending were Bradley and Kristen, Josh and his brother, Taylor, and eventually Carol. we agreed a small group was a nice change. yay for pizza and Cranium. that night was Em's annual bash. formal wear this year, but we all changed and trooped out to the golf course for midnight. it was windy cold! I would have much preferred if it was just me, Sam, and Ben, but I took what I got. thought about Bradley almost the entire time and caught a nasty virus.
January 1 to the present - sick sick sick sick SICK. gah I hate lingering symptoms. at least I managed to watch Top Gun. and then ruined it for Bradley. I regret nothing!
January 2 - finally went on that date with David. went ice skating, then to Panda Express. I think he'll turn out to be a good friend after all. honestly I don't think he likes me that much that way. thank goodness! called Bradley to report on it immediately afterward (I'm terrible); ended up asking him out on a second date. he was shocked, poor fellow. he's so dear.
January 7 - retreated to Sam's place to avoid the cavalcade of young girls swarming my house around seven, after repeated promises of being home by ten. I ended up spending the night... and didn't call or text the parents. I'm not that sorry. it was one of those unforgettable experiences that we'll be talking about until the next time. and besides, I worked out all my guilt by cleaning the upstairs bathroom, which is a scary place, of my own violition. Mom and Dad didn't have much time to be upset, anyway, because...
January 8 - Bradley finally took my dad up on his offer of a tour of the office. I think both were kind of excited about it, in their own ways. then Dad had a client or something, so Bradley came back to the house and we took the girls ice skating. Syd was having troubles, so he ended up holding her hand first. she needed my permission before she'd let him. then he decided to teach me how to skate backwards, which was petrifying and thrilling all at once. after doing it on my own, I figured out the hip-swing, and I think he rather enjoyed the view. also inadvertently came up with a new family joke: "I'm a bird!" it was an enchanting two hours. then back home for dinner and a round of Candyland, which Bradley won hands down and I lost spectacularly at. after everyone's farewells, the two of us spent a good twenty minutes at his car dithering about how awkward and what a big deal it shouldn't be, then finally hugged. I was exhausted and on cloud nine that night. possibly ten.
January 10 - finished packing up and moved back into the dorms. haven't been to bed before 12:30 since. I missed everyone so much. man, it's good to be home!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
still smitten with Bradley. still loving college. still clashing with parents over amounts of freedom given. still torn up about the Work Problem. and...
still can't believe I'm almost nineteen. what's up with that? so far as I can tell, I forget my birthday's even coming up unless it's a milestone year (thus I was anxious about turning twelve, thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, and eighteen, but blew off fifteen and seventeen and now, nineteen). this means it's been a year since I became an adult. and what have I done with that? graduated from high school and for the first time in my life got bored over the summer. went off to college and decided to major in Pirate. voted in a presidental election for Harrison Ford. turned down my first love and became enamoured with a cowboy four years older than me. did not dress up for Halloween, but did dress up for International Talk Like a Pirate Day. am I an adult? yes. am I grown up? HECK NO!
what on earth am I going to do with myself this next year? I feel like I should make my resolutions early. what exactly is the expectation for a nineteen-year-old? I suppose I should just pull a regular and vow to become a better person than I am now. I do it every year, in some form or other. this year... I don't know if I've improved. honestly, I feel I've regressed. but... I am more confident. I am much more comfortable with who I am and much less likely to judge others. (mostly.) I know myself better now that Mom's shadow has withdrawn, and I've got some ideas on how to counteract my inner nature's awful habits. and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get some writing done this next semester. who knows how life will turn out? I eagerly await whatever happens.
still can't believe I'm almost nineteen. what's up with that? so far as I can tell, I forget my birthday's even coming up unless it's a milestone year (thus I was anxious about turning twelve, thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, and eighteen, but blew off fifteen and seventeen and now, nineteen). this means it's been a year since I became an adult. and what have I done with that? graduated from high school and for the first time in my life got bored over the summer. went off to college and decided to major in Pirate. voted in a presidental election for Harrison Ford. turned down my first love and became enamoured with a cowboy four years older than me. did not dress up for Halloween, but did dress up for International Talk Like a Pirate Day. am I an adult? yes. am I grown up? HECK NO!
what on earth am I going to do with myself this next year? I feel like I should make my resolutions early. what exactly is the expectation for a nineteen-year-old? I suppose I should just pull a regular and vow to become a better person than I am now. I do it every year, in some form or other. this year... I don't know if I've improved. honestly, I feel I've regressed. but... I am more confident. I am much more comfortable with who I am and much less likely to judge others. (mostly.) I know myself better now that Mom's shadow has withdrawn, and I've got some ideas on how to counteract my inner nature's awful habits. and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get some writing done this next semester. who knows how life will turn out? I eagerly await whatever happens.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Do you wanna dance with me?
Well, tonight was it. the Date. it was splendid, of course. I should do it more often.
after fretting for an hour that he'd have to cancel again, Bradley picked me up at 7ish sharp. destination: Johnny Carino's. it was an exciting ride, as Bradley was still drugged up from some medication he'd taken for an ear infection... animal medication. he nearly ran over a car. at the restaurant I spent a spectacularly long time to decide what to order, which is unusual for me, but thankfully I didn't freak out over it and the waitress got to make fun of me. : ) Bradley had the brilliant idea of tearing the wax paper that came with the bread into squares - he made a rose. and a butterfly. I made a cootie catcher. I couldn't think of any fortunes because we were talking so much (also adding to my indecision mentioned previously), but I finally finished it after we were done eating. then I asked for a lecture on why abolishing the penny is bad for the economy, wherein I learned several pertinent facts that apparently shouldn't be entrusted to high school AP exams but seem much more important to the debate than mere convenience. (we also talked about our parents and love at first sight and marriage and Florida and Colorado and family and eating habits and, well, all sorts of things.) after making me another rose, which I left for the waitress, we were off again!
he'd promised me ice cream. he thought I knew an ice cream place. after all, I'm the one who lives in Greeley proper. and he refused to let me ask around... we ended up going to McDonald's because McFlurries are delicious, and, well, in a phone conversation earlier this week we discovered a mutual love of the Playplace. so after eating our McFlurries (we both got Oreo), we raced to the top! (it was a tie, no joke.) we agreed this particular Playplace was sub-par; only one slide and no ball pit. but then again, it had a rocket area! at this point it was about 9:15... we stayed up at the top, just talking, until after 11. we talked about his brothers and kittens and college and missions and languages and pushing Selina down the stairs and destroying property and "hockey" and Jordan and shoes and finances and careers and things that make me uncomfortable (Bradley 1] talking about being poor and 2] holding my hand in both of his) and cows and back when we'd first met and addresses and eye color and again, all sorts of things. there's one feature of the Playplace - a "satellite" - where you twirl a wheel attached through the ceiling and it spins. we were playing with that, off and on, and checking down below to make sure our coats were still there, and then they weren't! and we could hear talking... and I saw an employee walk towards the Playplace. I went further over to get a better look; Bradley went down the slide. after a minute or so I caught on and followed him down. our coats were fine, just moved to a different table, so we put them on and agreed maybe it was time to go. Bradley explained he'd almost run into the employee I'd seen walking around, who had then told him she'd thought maybe there were kids up there, and no parents! another worker gave us a very suspicious look as we walked out, at which point I just about burst laughing. "I don't think they believed you that we were just talking up there!" "Oh no - they'll be telling each other not to go to the top any more..."
Then I remembered he was still drugged up, so he let me drive the truck home. after a lot of warnings and fuss made over how trucks are different, I came to the conclusion that they are just. taller. and wider. I did not almost run over anybody. and then we were back at Hansen-Willis, and I got out and got my purse and my rose and my leftovers, and we both kind of didn't know what to do. we were talking still and trying to wrap up and I finally got the lowdown on his hug policy (Brian has strict rules about touching girls. Bradley has a hug policy). he only hugs girls under certain circumstances, most of which I can guess, and he makes them promise him something before they can hug him. this is as far as I'd gotten previously. I'm going to blame the drugs for the fact that he told me (finally!) what that promise is: they have to promise not to fall in love with him. I immediately asked if he'd seen A Walk To Remember, which he had. I wanted to discuss the thought process behind why he'd want to extract such a promise, but we were trying to say goodbye here and it was fricking cold out. so we stood there awkwardly trying to figure out what we're supposed to do, which ended with the (unspoken) decision to do nothing, so I walked to the door, swiped my card, and went in. end of a fantastic date. minimal awkwardness, maximum communication and all-around fun times. and we agreed another one is necessary. : )
also, more happy fun times once I got in the room. McKenz and Rache were home, as was Jon! and then Nick showed up, and we spent a delightful hour talking about 90's toys (old school Polly Pockets. BOO yeah) and PE tricycle things and egg drops and shooting potatoes through trees... everyone agreed after Nick left the room that he'd probably made that last one up. but seriously, it's been such a long time since we've just all gotten together and talked like that. it was wonderful. after Nick and Kenz left, Jon talked to Rachel and me, and then just me, about his childhood (which I kind of want now) and how easily people forget why they're in Music, why they're in college, and a bit about what being a Christian means (love God, love your neighbors. that's it, really) and finally he went to bed because he's dang sick and he's got a final tomorrow, and so now I'm typing this up before I forget it. it's been such a wonderful night!!! made even better by the facts that A) my finals were aced and done with earlier today, and B) I'm going home tomorrow, for a whole month.
for the first time in my life, I could die right now and be happy. this is what I call bliss.
after fretting for an hour that he'd have to cancel again, Bradley picked me up at 7ish sharp. destination: Johnny Carino's. it was an exciting ride, as Bradley was still drugged up from some medication he'd taken for an ear infection... animal medication. he nearly ran over a car. at the restaurant I spent a spectacularly long time to decide what to order, which is unusual for me, but thankfully I didn't freak out over it and the waitress got to make fun of me. : ) Bradley had the brilliant idea of tearing the wax paper that came with the bread into squares - he made a rose. and a butterfly. I made a cootie catcher. I couldn't think of any fortunes because we were talking so much (also adding to my indecision mentioned previously), but I finally finished it after we were done eating. then I asked for a lecture on why abolishing the penny is bad for the economy, wherein I learned several pertinent facts that apparently shouldn't be entrusted to high school AP exams but seem much more important to the debate than mere convenience. (we also talked about our parents and love at first sight and marriage and Florida and Colorado and family and eating habits and, well, all sorts of things.) after making me another rose, which I left for the waitress, we were off again!
he'd promised me ice cream. he thought I knew an ice cream place. after all, I'm the one who lives in Greeley proper. and he refused to let me ask around... we ended up going to McDonald's because McFlurries are delicious, and, well, in a phone conversation earlier this week we discovered a mutual love of the Playplace. so after eating our McFlurries (we both got Oreo), we raced to the top! (it was a tie, no joke.) we agreed this particular Playplace was sub-par; only one slide and no ball pit. but then again, it had a rocket area! at this point it was about 9:15... we stayed up at the top, just talking, until after 11. we talked about his brothers and kittens and college and missions and languages and pushing Selina down the stairs and destroying property and "hockey" and Jordan and shoes and finances and careers and things that make me uncomfortable (Bradley 1] talking about being poor and 2] holding my hand in both of his) and cows and back when we'd first met and addresses and eye color and again, all sorts of things. there's one feature of the Playplace - a "satellite" - where you twirl a wheel attached through the ceiling and it spins. we were playing with that, off and on, and checking down below to make sure our coats were still there, and then they weren't! and we could hear talking... and I saw an employee walk towards the Playplace. I went further over to get a better look; Bradley went down the slide. after a minute or so I caught on and followed him down. our coats were fine, just moved to a different table, so we put them on and agreed maybe it was time to go. Bradley explained he'd almost run into the employee I'd seen walking around, who had then told him she'd thought maybe there were kids up there, and no parents! another worker gave us a very suspicious look as we walked out, at which point I just about burst laughing. "I don't think they believed you that we were just talking up there!" "Oh no - they'll be telling each other not to go to the top any more..."
Then I remembered he was still drugged up, so he let me drive the truck home. after a lot of warnings and fuss made over how trucks are different, I came to the conclusion that they are just. taller. and wider. I did not almost run over anybody. and then we were back at Hansen-Willis, and I got out and got my purse and my rose and my leftovers, and we both kind of didn't know what to do. we were talking still and trying to wrap up and I finally got the lowdown on his hug policy (Brian has strict rules about touching girls. Bradley has a hug policy). he only hugs girls under certain circumstances, most of which I can guess, and he makes them promise him something before they can hug him. this is as far as I'd gotten previously. I'm going to blame the drugs for the fact that he told me (finally!) what that promise is: they have to promise not to fall in love with him. I immediately asked if he'd seen A Walk To Remember, which he had. I wanted to discuss the thought process behind why he'd want to extract such a promise, but we were trying to say goodbye here and it was fricking cold out. so we stood there awkwardly trying to figure out what we're supposed to do, which ended with the (unspoken) decision to do nothing, so I walked to the door, swiped my card, and went in. end of a fantastic date. minimal awkwardness, maximum communication and all-around fun times. and we agreed another one is necessary. : )
also, more happy fun times once I got in the room. McKenz and Rache were home, as was Jon! and then Nick showed up, and we spent a delightful hour talking about 90's toys (old school Polly Pockets. BOO yeah) and PE tricycle things and egg drops and shooting potatoes through trees... everyone agreed after Nick left the room that he'd probably made that last one up. but seriously, it's been such a long time since we've just all gotten together and talked like that. it was wonderful. after Nick and Kenz left, Jon talked to Rachel and me, and then just me, about his childhood (which I kind of want now) and how easily people forget why they're in Music, why they're in college, and a bit about what being a Christian means (love God, love your neighbors. that's it, really) and finally he went to bed because he's dang sick and he's got a final tomorrow, and so now I'm typing this up before I forget it. it's been such a wonderful night!!! made even better by the facts that A) my finals were aced and done with earlier today, and B) I'm going home tomorrow, for a whole month.
for the first time in my life, I could die right now and be happy. this is what I call bliss.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
It's a hard day's night, and I been working like a dog
so true. homework has been lots or none, in spurts; it's been rather weird. and I'm consistently staying up until three or four in the morning... which is unhealthy, I know, but I can't help myself. it's habit now!
update on the Bradley Saga (my life is divided into sagas, I've decided): a day has been chosen for our double date. next Monday after FHE with Brian and Noelle, to be specific. but I am skipping ahead - it is important to know that Sam finally stayed with me for a few days. Sunday night to 1:40ish today... I miss her already! but Monday night, the one guaranteed time I get to talk to Bradley for more than a few minutes, Sam decided it was the most hilarious thing in the world to watch me blush. she hadn't even met the guy officially before she started in. I, trying to calm myself down, started trying to think of boring sedate things...
"Baseball! baseball is boring! Think about baseball..."
"Does Bradley play baseball?"
"Not that I know of," I snapped.
"I'll bet he looks really good playing baseball, actually," at which point I tried to tune her out. but then -
"38, 39... 40 shades of red. That's a good color on you, dear."
"I hate you, Sam!"
and so on and so forth. I took some deep breaths and introduced the two, finally, and after ten minutes of conversation centering around how Sam could be related to me, we look and act so similarly, and Bradley pulling me aside to say Josh won't be back in time and asking if next Monday is okay with me, and of course I say that's just fine! and just when I'd finally gotten my face looking normal again, all of a sudden Brian gets in on the fun and starts teasing me too! so he and Sam are teaming up on me and I reach forty-five shades and I just can't handle everyone looking so I run away to another room and hide beside the door, but then Brian opens it and is trying to tell me he's just teasing but he's got this laugh in his voice so I know he's not going to stop so I push him out, but I can hear him and Sam talking because I haven't introduced her to him yet, and Sam's saying "he's playing Bad Day!" meaning Bradley on the piano who apparently is blushing just as hard as I am and I just melt right there because how did he know? because seriously that is one of my favorite songs... but I'm still upset and still embarrassed and when Brian says, "I'm the cooler brother" to Sam I storm out, still fire-red, push past them saying "He's the mean brother!" and go to the other side of the lobby to the rec room to the kitchen, where I try desperately to calm down. I realize I just made a scene, which is exactly what I did not want, because I do not want the fact that Bradley asked me out spread all over the place because I just can't handle that yet, obviously, and this knowledge is not helping me at all, and I can hear everyone asking "what was that about?" "I think you made her mad, Brian" "maybe you'd better say sorry" and I've got my hands on my head like I can't breathe after a run looking up at the ceiling and Sam walks in and says, "You love me. Give me a hug" and I'm far too upset with her so I push her away and turn around and there's Brian... with his hand out. This is a big deal; this is huge. this is his way of apologizing. I can't help myself, not that I want to: I smile and relax instantly. I shake Brian's hand. he smiles back and says, "You okay?" I say, "Yeah." and we walk back out to the lobby, Sam behind us.
and the next day I talk to Bradley for a full hour on the phone, which I totally did not expect to do. it's a good thing, though, because one of my definite unchangeable criteria is to be able to just talk to the guy, so an hour-long conversation about not much really is a very good sign. but now I have to plan a date... in nothing-to-do Greeley. I need to set some time aside and just think creative/cheap. it'd be so much easier if it weren't so frigging cold out... how do I get into these things? seriously, I'd be fine with another movie night like last time, but Mormons have weird high standards about dates... the irony is that I've only ever been on one date (which Bradley didn't believe. "What was wrong with all those high school guys?!" awww...), but I've heard of all sorts of activities and ideas from friends who dated frequently, so I still have more of an idea than Bradley... and (probably) Brian. what I should do is be sensible and talk to Noelle... or Nick or Jon. they're experienced in this kind of thing. gah. luckily if Bradley and I can't come up with anything by Sunday, it's out of our hands and we don't have to worry about it, yay. but it might be fun to try...
update on the Bradley Saga (my life is divided into sagas, I've decided): a day has been chosen for our double date. next Monday after FHE with Brian and Noelle, to be specific. but I am skipping ahead - it is important to know that Sam finally stayed with me for a few days. Sunday night to 1:40ish today... I miss her already! but Monday night, the one guaranteed time I get to talk to Bradley for more than a few minutes, Sam decided it was the most hilarious thing in the world to watch me blush. she hadn't even met the guy officially before she started in. I, trying to calm myself down, started trying to think of boring sedate things...
"Baseball! baseball is boring! Think about baseball..."
"Does Bradley play baseball?"
"Not that I know of," I snapped.
"I'll bet he looks really good playing baseball, actually," at which point I tried to tune her out. but then -
"38, 39... 40 shades of red. That's a good color on you, dear."
"I hate you, Sam!"
and so on and so forth. I took some deep breaths and introduced the two, finally, and after ten minutes of conversation centering around how Sam could be related to me, we look and act so similarly, and Bradley pulling me aside to say Josh won't be back in time and asking if next Monday is okay with me, and of course I say that's just fine! and just when I'd finally gotten my face looking normal again, all of a sudden Brian gets in on the fun and starts teasing me too! so he and Sam are teaming up on me and I reach forty-five shades and I just can't handle everyone looking so I run away to another room and hide beside the door, but then Brian opens it and is trying to tell me he's just teasing but he's got this laugh in his voice so I know he's not going to stop so I push him out, but I can hear him and Sam talking because I haven't introduced her to him yet, and Sam's saying "he's playing Bad Day!" meaning Bradley on the piano who apparently is blushing just as hard as I am and I just melt right there because how did he know? because seriously that is one of my favorite songs... but I'm still upset and still embarrassed and when Brian says, "I'm the cooler brother" to Sam I storm out, still fire-red, push past them saying "He's the mean brother!" and go to the other side of the lobby to the rec room to the kitchen, where I try desperately to calm down. I realize I just made a scene, which is exactly what I did not want, because I do not want the fact that Bradley asked me out spread all over the place because I just can't handle that yet, obviously, and this knowledge is not helping me at all, and I can hear everyone asking "what was that about?" "I think you made her mad, Brian" "maybe you'd better say sorry" and I've got my hands on my head like I can't breathe after a run looking up at the ceiling and Sam walks in and says, "You love me. Give me a hug" and I'm far too upset with her so I push her away and turn around and there's Brian... with his hand out. This is a big deal; this is huge. this is his way of apologizing. I can't help myself, not that I want to: I smile and relax instantly. I shake Brian's hand. he smiles back and says, "You okay?" I say, "Yeah." and we walk back out to the lobby, Sam behind us.
and the next day I talk to Bradley for a full hour on the phone, which I totally did not expect to do. it's a good thing, though, because one of my definite unchangeable criteria is to be able to just talk to the guy, so an hour-long conversation about not much really is a very good sign. but now I have to plan a date... in nothing-to-do Greeley. I need to set some time aside and just think creative/cheap. it'd be so much easier if it weren't so frigging cold out... how do I get into these things? seriously, I'd be fine with another movie night like last time, but Mormons have weird high standards about dates... the irony is that I've only ever been on one date (which Bradley didn't believe. "What was wrong with all those high school guys?!" awww...), but I've heard of all sorts of activities and ideas from friends who dated frequently, so I still have more of an idea than Bradley... and (probably) Brian. what I should do is be sensible and talk to Noelle... or Nick or Jon. they're experienced in this kind of thing. gah. luckily if Bradley and I can't come up with anything by Sunday, it's out of our hands and we don't have to worry about it, yay. but it might be fun to try...
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
I've been really up and down over Jordan for the past month. I've come so close to telling him I changed my mind... (Nick's out of the picture entirely, as he is now earnestly dating my suitemate.) but what really, finally, thankfully clinched it was Bradley. yes, another boy. I am so hopeless it is patently ridiculous. where on earth did all these interested males come from?! and where the heck where they in high school? (Jordan and David specifically. I've known the one for five and a half years now, and the other for probably six.)
Bradley is everything Jordan is not. he is unfailingly sweet in such an innocent way (artless, not charming); he is a hard worker and determined; he is so freaking intelligent, but he doesn't believe it, he thinks he's clueless. he's respectful and sensitive and can be summed up in exactly one word: adorable. and unlike literally every other boy I've ever had a crush on, I have no problem with me liking him. I could go through the list, explain my compunctions about all the guys I've liked through the years, but suffice it to say there was always an element of guilt or not-rightness. (one example that illustrates both: Coon had a habit of talking at me about how evil Mormons are. not joking. yes, he knows I'm Mormon. yes, I liked him anyway. am I a glutton for punishment or what?) Bradley's just all-out wholesome, I guess. some girls would find his hesitancy around females annoying, I think. he has this way of looking at you from the side because he has to duck his head because he just can't look at you straight on because he's about to say something complimentary. if he had a cloth napkin to fiddle with, he'd probably wring it to death while standing with a toe digging a circle into the dirt. I once accused him of being coy - he does know what his actions do to a girl - and he had to agree it fit. he didn't appreciate the implication that it usually applies to females (we had to look it up), but seriously that's how he was acting. and there was this one time where he stuck out his hand for a shake, and so I gripped it firmly and shook, but he lay his other hand on top of mine and just held it for a few seconds with this adorable grin on his face. I mean, AWWW. I am seriously twitterpated, and I don't feel panicky about it. it is perfectly fine for me to like this guy, and that is freedom, m'dear.
oh - and he asked me out on Monday. : ) I'm excited in a way I haven't been in a long time. it's going to take a while before my crush stops intensifying when the guy likes me back. and I was right: my family is so used to the guy not liking me back, either, that not one of them even thought to ask, "do either of them like you?" (Bradley's got an older brother, Brian.) although to be fair, Syd said, "you should date one of them," and Selina immediately without thinking said, "the younger one." and then I blushed so hard everyone laughed at me. the entire family now loves those two boys as much as I do - I guess it really came out in the way I was talking about them. I just want my worlds to collide. I want my family and Sam and Ben and Em [and Alice (; ] to meet my roommates and the boys down the hall and the Walpole brothers (Bradley and Brian) and the entire swing club... and I really really want to take Bradley dancing. it's his fault; he displayed such an interest. although I can't let him stick around for blues dancing - that would be an unmigitated disaster! the poor boy wouldn't be able to look at girls for a year. you see, Brian has a rule: no shaking hands until the third date. no hugs until the fifth. thankfully Bradley's more lax, but he still doesn't like girls hugging him. so blues dancing - where essentially your partner has to be plastered against you - would be torture of the most acute kind for him. of course, such rules are torture for me: I'm a physical person! when I need to comfort someone, I give them a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, something! not being able to do that is almost painful. and waving goodbye when we're a few feet apart is ridiculous to me. but that's the way they function - they both instinctively curl up and spasm when a female hugs them; I know because I have. just the once and never again. the reaction was too violent for me to try without consent from now on. but still... it'll be the one thing that will eventually drive me crazy. but I prefer no-hugging rules to absolute jerkfaces who disregard my feelings, so I'll stick with Bradley.
Bradley is everything Jordan is not. he is unfailingly sweet in such an innocent way (artless, not charming); he is a hard worker and determined; he is so freaking intelligent, but he doesn't believe it, he thinks he's clueless. he's respectful and sensitive and can be summed up in exactly one word: adorable. and unlike literally every other boy I've ever had a crush on, I have no problem with me liking him. I could go through the list, explain my compunctions about all the guys I've liked through the years, but suffice it to say there was always an element of guilt or not-rightness. (one example that illustrates both: Coon had a habit of talking at me about how evil Mormons are. not joking. yes, he knows I'm Mormon. yes, I liked him anyway. am I a glutton for punishment or what?) Bradley's just all-out wholesome, I guess. some girls would find his hesitancy around females annoying, I think. he has this way of looking at you from the side because he has to duck his head because he just can't look at you straight on because he's about to say something complimentary. if he had a cloth napkin to fiddle with, he'd probably wring it to death while standing with a toe digging a circle into the dirt. I once accused him of being coy - he does know what his actions do to a girl - and he had to agree it fit. he didn't appreciate the implication that it usually applies to females (we had to look it up), but seriously that's how he was acting. and there was this one time where he stuck out his hand for a shake, and so I gripped it firmly and shook, but he lay his other hand on top of mine and just held it for a few seconds with this adorable grin on his face. I mean, AWWW. I am seriously twitterpated, and I don't feel panicky about it. it is perfectly fine for me to like this guy, and that is freedom, m'dear.
oh - and he asked me out on Monday. : ) I'm excited in a way I haven't been in a long time. it's going to take a while before my crush stops intensifying when the guy likes me back. and I was right: my family is so used to the guy not liking me back, either, that not one of them even thought to ask, "do either of them like you?" (Bradley's got an older brother, Brian.) although to be fair, Syd said, "you should date one of them," and Selina immediately without thinking said, "the younger one." and then I blushed so hard everyone laughed at me. the entire family now loves those two boys as much as I do - I guess it really came out in the way I was talking about them. I just want my worlds to collide. I want my family and Sam and Ben and Em [and Alice (; ] to meet my roommates and the boys down the hall and the Walpole brothers (Bradley and Brian) and the entire swing club... and I really really want to take Bradley dancing. it's his fault; he displayed such an interest. although I can't let him stick around for blues dancing - that would be an unmigitated disaster! the poor boy wouldn't be able to look at girls for a year. you see, Brian has a rule: no shaking hands until the third date. no hugs until the fifth. thankfully Bradley's more lax, but he still doesn't like girls hugging him. so blues dancing - where essentially your partner has to be plastered against you - would be torture of the most acute kind for him. of course, such rules are torture for me: I'm a physical person! when I need to comfort someone, I give them a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, something! not being able to do that is almost painful. and waving goodbye when we're a few feet apart is ridiculous to me. but that's the way they function - they both instinctively curl up and spasm when a female hugs them; I know because I have. just the once and never again. the reaction was too violent for me to try without consent from now on. but still... it'll be the one thing that will eventually drive me crazy. but I prefer no-hugging rules to absolute jerkfaces who disregard my feelings, so I'll stick with Bradley.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs... Breakin' my mind
Jordan's fine with "being Rejected," and not only did Nick like me all the way back when we all first met two months ago (shocking!), but he thought I was jealous of Rachel when they were... considering going out. which is a projection of his narcissism, because that is so not true. but I am jealous of McKenz right now, as she and Nick are now closer than a peanut-butter jam sandwich. it was awkward and painful to watch at first, of course, but it's been less than a week and I've fully recovered, and nicely. because this is really a very old pattern, and I'm just too used to it.
and I promised myself I'd stop going on about my romantic dealings... le sigh.
and I promised myself I'd stop going on about my romantic dealings... le sigh.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
move over Nick; Jordan's back in the picture. as love of my life for three years in a row, he gets top priority and a decent chunk of my heart. and guess what? he loved me! he always loved me! and now that his fiance broke it off and Bri's getting married, apparently I'm an option. and he's not afraid to tell me so this time. he's not afraid of actually getting into a relationship with me.
I, however, agree with Jon (a boy wise beyond his age and experience, seriously) in that we think Jordan is just afraid of losing me forever and afraid of change. just because now I'm actually getting asked out by guys... is this what people mean by "coming out of the woodwork?" I'm being inundated! college is ridiculous. I was warned several times by various people, so I shouldn't be so surprised. but seriously! I'm the freak, the weird one; this isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to stick to the plan of being contentedly and strictly male-free for a year, then go back to pursuing them once I'm a sophomore. males showing interest in me is not part of the plan. I mean, getting asked out three times in a month-span? that's insane. never in my furthest imaginings dared I to hope for such an obviously impossible thing. and now, when I am finally at a point in my life where I absolutely don't want it... I get it. gah. talk about God and His sense of humor. His timing is impeccable, really.
back to Jordan specifically. I'll agree to the date, where we will double with someody, and refuse to again consider becoming a couple. shall I try to list reasons?
he loves me so much more than I love him, and that's unfair to us both.
I know I can never marry him, thus the relationship can't continue to that point, thus we'll break up eventually, thus there will be pain and heartbreak, and why do something that's so utterly doomed from the start?
also we disagree on several important topics (politics, whether he should serve a mission) and that spells disaster in myraid forms.
long distance relationship equals serious and intense relationship laden with meaning. NOT READY. (see below.)
he's a flaky jerkface. I know so many of his flaws, and there are some I just can't accept, and there are some things I just can't trust him about (like showing up for an event) and that doesn't exactly spell healthy relationship.
he has already made quite plain that he will be unable to break up with me if we start this, even though we agree the breaking-up will have to happen. I do not want to be the stronger person. not the first time. I want to be the one who has to be cared for. I want to be a taker instead of a giver for once in my life, which leads me to
sub-reason one: I've never been in a real, true relationship before, and for most reasons listed above I don't want this to be IT.
also, going back to real reasons, Jordan JUST broke up. I do not want to be a rebound!
I just want to be allowed to have multiple crushes of varying degrees, flit around for a while, learn how to actually flirt with a guy, and just be free. being Jordan's girlfriend would be the most soul-crushing kind of cage. (I just realized this ten seconds before I typed it. o.O no wonder I had such a bad feeling about the whole thing. I have just solved a personal enigma.)
come to think of it, any one of those reasons should probably be enough for an answer of the negative variety. but a combination of the total? holy schnikes, Batman. why did I even consider saying yes?
I, however, agree with Jon (a boy wise beyond his age and experience, seriously) in that we think Jordan is just afraid of losing me forever and afraid of change. just because now I'm actually getting asked out by guys... is this what people mean by "coming out of the woodwork?" I'm being inundated! college is ridiculous. I was warned several times by various people, so I shouldn't be so surprised. but seriously! I'm the freak, the weird one; this isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to stick to the plan of being contentedly and strictly male-free for a year, then go back to pursuing them once I'm a sophomore. males showing interest in me is not part of the plan. I mean, getting asked out three times in a month-span? that's insane. never in my furthest imaginings dared I to hope for such an obviously impossible thing. and now, when I am finally at a point in my life where I absolutely don't want it... I get it. gah. talk about God and His sense of humor. His timing is impeccable, really.
back to Jordan specifically. I'll agree to the date, where we will double with someody, and refuse to again consider becoming a couple. shall I try to list reasons?
he loves me so much more than I love him, and that's unfair to us both.
I know I can never marry him, thus the relationship can't continue to that point, thus we'll break up eventually, thus there will be pain and heartbreak, and why do something that's so utterly doomed from the start?
also we disagree on several important topics (politics, whether he should serve a mission) and that spells disaster in myraid forms.
long distance relationship equals serious and intense relationship laden with meaning. NOT READY. (see below.)
he's a flaky jerkface. I know so many of his flaws, and there are some I just can't accept, and there are some things I just can't trust him about (like showing up for an event) and that doesn't exactly spell healthy relationship.
he has already made quite plain that he will be unable to break up with me if we start this, even though we agree the breaking-up will have to happen. I do not want to be the stronger person. not the first time. I want to be the one who has to be cared for. I want to be a taker instead of a giver for once in my life, which leads me to
sub-reason one: I've never been in a real, true relationship before, and for most reasons listed above I don't want this to be IT.
also, going back to real reasons, Jordan JUST broke up. I do not want to be a rebound!
I just want to be allowed to have multiple crushes of varying degrees, flit around for a while, learn how to actually flirt with a guy, and just be free. being Jordan's girlfriend would be the most soul-crushing kind of cage. (I just realized this ten seconds before I typed it. o.O no wonder I had such a bad feeling about the whole thing. I have just solved a personal enigma.)
come to think of it, any one of those reasons should probably be enough for an answer of the negative variety. but a combination of the total? holy schnikes, Batman. why did I even consider saying yes?
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