You will all be excited to learn that I've posted something. By "all," I mean Ben (who actually still uses Blogger). I'm now going to ignore that fact and write whatever.
My roommate is killing zombies in the living room, again. My other roommate is at her fiance's place, stressing over life, again. My soon-to-be-roommate is recovering from getting her wisdom teeth pulled, not again. And I? I just ended a looooooong conversation with Jordan.
I broke his heart. Three years ago I wouldn't have believed that to be possible. But I've done it. I broke Bradley's heart, too, and that I regret. But both times I did it for his sake as well as mine. It was what was best for both of us. And now I have to deal with the consequences of those actions.
Am I naive? Am I stupid and unrealistic for wanting so desperately to remain friends - good friends - with people I once was romantically involved with? Is that really so horribly wrong of me?
Bradley's recovering from another breakup now, one much worse and much more cruel than mine. I acted out of honesty and compassion. This girl... She's a wonderful person on the surface. Cheerful and bubbly and ready with a smile. But her actions these past few weeks have shown her to be selfish to a degree I find unfathomable. My only explanation I could offer to him was that she must be utterly confused in life right now. She's unsure of what she wants and has no idea how to go about getting it. I can't think of any other feasible reasons for why she acted as she did. She's dating someone else right now, leaving him with doubts and emotions I can only guess at. I want so badly to be there for Bradley; to comfort him and show that not everyone is willing to abandon him without a second thought. But the most pressing question is: would that be good for him? I'm an ex-girlfriend (more or less), a female, an enemy. Is it okay for me to try to get close like that? Would it bring up lingering feelings he may still have for me? Would my presence exacerbate his pain? I honestly don't know. If any of that's true, then I need to keep my distance and sympathize from afar. But I don't know! Maybe it would be good for him to see that not all girls are evil incarnate. Maybe he could use a friend like me right now. I wish I knew. In the meantime, I need to step carefully, because there is no way I want to lead anyone on to believe that I want to be romantically entangled with Bradley ever again. Gah. This isn't even ME making life complicated; these are conclusions I came to after talking to several people about it. GAH.
As for Jordan... There's no one who can help direct me there. No one knows who he is anymore, except his family and Bri. And Bri is a jerk. The more I hear about what she's like now, the more I wonder why he talks to her at all. I'm so proud of who he's turning into! He's becoming far less self-absorbed and far more compassionate to others. In another year or so he'll be the complete opposite of who he was, and I am so excited to watch it happen. On the other hand, he thinks he loves me. In fact, it might even be true. But I don't love him, not like that, and thus there is a problem. And so... In an unexpected move, I decided to be selfish myself, for maybe the first time ever when it comes to Jordan. I still talk to him once a week, sometimes for hours (like today). I don't protect him from blows: I talk about how I felt/feel about Bradley, I'm brutally honest about why I broke up with him, I make offhand comments that I know hurt him pretty badly. I'm downright mean, come to think of it. But I still care deeply about him. I still need to know he's doing fine, or I can't be fine myself. (Welcome to the world of Suzanne.) I do my best to cheer him up, make him laugh, show him the positive side of life. We talk about nothing for hours, and them BAM someone asks a question and we're getting emotional/ philosophical/ dead serious. I don't know how the heck we did it, but we are best friends again, on a much deeper level than when we were sixteen. I appreciate it, but, I mean, he's in love with me! And I'm incapable of returning that affection! It sucks for him, far worse than it does for me, but it's something we're both choosing to live with. One of us could easily say, "I can't handle this anymore; we can't keep bonding and progressing like this. It's too painful," and the other person would immediately say, "I understand. And I agree. Call me if you change your mind. Talk to you in a few months. I wish you the best and I hope you overcome the pain." And that'd be the end of it! Simple! But neither of us is willing to let go of the friendship. We miss each other terribly; we're reminded of past conversations and opinions in our separate lives; we want to communicate often. And that's just how it is. Someday I might have to pull on the "strong one" mask again and cut him off completely, for his own sake, but I don't want to do that now. He's recovering from the initial hurt far better than I expected him to, and I'm not noticing any devastating effects. It's wonderful having such an honest relationship. I never have to worry what he might be hiding from me. (Part of the reason I don't shield things from him, by the way.)
Okay, okay. I think y'all have a good idea of my stance on both boys right now. What kind of a culture are we living in, anyway? Where not only do I want to talk more about males I'm not even romantically inclined towards (anymore) instead of my family reunion in Canda or the fact that I landed a job or how I'm completely revamping my room, BUT I am encouraged to talk so. Everyone wants to hear the juicy details, not the dry boring stuff. (Although, the reunion was anything but boring!) Why are such details of my life considered boring, anyway? Why is analyzing motives and emotions of various people more entertaining than a description of my wall decor or how the job interview went? Why is society geared like that? (This is why I love Cultural Anthropology; I catch myself asking questions like this and puzzling over what the answers could be.) Question amongst yourselves. I'm going to eat dinner and watch a movie. : )
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