I think I love you

Rewind to this past Monday real quick. It's after FHE (it's a weekly church activity), and Bradley and I are talking more or less as usual, except that I give him a dancing lesson. : ) But then he does something that switches up the equation: he volunteers - no, insists - on walking me home. So he does, and I make him come inside to see the lobby TV, to see what we're working with here. (He's talking me into a movie night at this point, even though just a week ago he didn't like the idea of a movie date at all. Boys.) So we're in the hallway between the lobby and the front desk, talking and talking and talking, and he's kind of complaining because I asked him out on a date, and that date is to go see a play, and Pirates of Penzance isn't til April, and am I really going to make him wait that long? and I'm frustrated because he could totally take me out before then if he wanted, but he doesn't see it that way because I asked him and "that's not how it works." and we're discussing the whole movie idea but can't come to an agreement on when/where, and we finally agree to just talk about it later. and then eventually we're both all, "I/you have to go, my/your brother is waiting" and he says "You want a hug?" and I say "Of course!" but the thing is, he is so fricking awkward about it. he literally has to mentally brace himself, like he's about to jump out of a plane or something. at one point, a male friend of mine walks past and we talk for a moment and he gives me a hug, no big deal. and he leaves and I look over at Bradley and say, "That's how it's supposed to work." he shakes his head. "I can't do that. I don't work that way. I don't just hand out hugs like..." "Pretzels?" I finish for him, and I get this sick feeling as I say it. He nods. what you need to understand is, there's this saying in the Mormon culture: "Don't give out your kisses like pretzels." it basically means, kisses are something special so save it for someone special and a special time, and lots of people translate that to mean "until marriage" or at least "the fifth date" or something like that. kissing = sacred, pretty much. so it clicks in my head that to Bradley, hugging is something that should not happen that often, if ever, and that gives me this sick feeling in my stomach, and I can see us going through this conversation over and over where I have to argue that it's all right, it's normal, it's practically expected, and him saying No! it's not! but anyway, we finally really are about to hug, but he holds his arms out and wiggles his fingers in this hilarious way that makes me just crack up, but underneath that I am near tears in frustration. I have never met anyone, in my entire life, who needed practice on hugging someone. in my head I have gone through everyone I've ever encountered, especially boys, over and over, and while I can think of a few who opted for a handshake instead or at least were awkward about it, it's because they didn't want a hug. but this boy did! Bradley fricking wanted a hug and was still awful and awkward and... I keep trying to explain but I just don't have the words. the best way I can put it is, he was in serious need of practice before he could pull off the real thing. so finally we do this two-second squeeze that... just doesn't feel right. it felt like it was compulsory and insincere on his end. and I don't even want a hug if that's how he fricking feels about it. but afterwards he finally leaves, and I go to my room and throw myself on the couch and just arrgh! and I try telling McKenzie why exactly I'm so frustrated. she nods sympathetically - "boys are stupid" - and I simply agree because I just can't explain what had just happened. and I think, "after such encounters, aren't I supposed to be all happily dreamily dazed and floating? you know, gushy? this is all wrong, this is just wrong." and I even started evaluating myself on how much I really do like Bradley.

BUT THEN! I calm down, and the weather turns super nice. as in, people are out in shorts and flipflops and no sweaters and it's a balmy 70 degrees. insane for January, but that's Colorado. and I get a weird idea in my head. after some rapid texting and a lovely phone call later that week, I am not only fully recovered but have a spectacular plan for a date. unfortunately, it almost gets ruined because Bradley can't come during the day, but I adjust accordingly and it all worked out even better than anticipated. here's what happened: after an hour of me rushing around and yelling hysterically organizing everything, Bradley arrived at seven pm on Thursday. he was ushered into the dorm room, where we chilled with McKenz (who was instrumental in getting things done, let me just say) for a few minutes. then he gets informed that we are going on an expedition. after grabbing my pack, we are off (just the two of us. McKenz is staying behind to help get the other half of our date set up). I lead him across campus to this perfectly splendid tree I discovered last semester and tell him that we're going to climb it. after we do so, I pull two books out of my backpack and tell him we're going to read them. and we do. by the light of my booklight, he reads "Stand Back," Said the Elephant. "I'm Going To Sneeze!" and I read Possum Come A-Knocking and we eat peanut butter jam sandwiches. (Welcome to my weird ideas. I love them; they're usually brilliant. or at least memorable. and anyway, I thoroughly enjoy tree-climbing.) then we climb down, gratified no policemen came up and told us to stop disturbing the peace, and head back to the dorm. along the way, we go through the tunnel. I take the opportunity to finally belt out something (no one else around! that's rare, y'know) and appreciate the echoes. I ironically choose the final chorus of Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid. so then we keep walking and Bradley starts the intro to Can You Feel the Love Tonight ("I can see what's happening." "What?" and etc.) and I chime in and then he won't actually sing the first line. so we get into a fifteen minute tussle and finally I get him to accompany me because he all-out refuses to sing on his own, all for a silly two-bar line. and then he brings up dancing lessons. so we have an impromptu lesson right there on the sidewalk - it is nice and wide, after all - less than three minutes from home at this point, and since I coincidentally learned how to lead at Swing Club the day before, it progresses a lot better than the last time. we end up dancing for over an hour, and he gets the basic steps down cold and teaches me a new way to be dipped. I don't think either of us wanted to stop because it was so nice holding hands. : ) then finally we're back, and it's after nine, and it's me and him and McKenz and Rachel and then Eileen (whose DVD player I'm borrowing), and then Nick shows up and then two girls from Swing who are visiting him, and all of a sudden it's a party! Bradley retreats to my room from the living area and reads part of a manuscript I'm editing for a friend while I mainly talk to Rachel. (I know; aren't I terrible?) and then it's after ten and I'm going spastic because we were supposed to start the movie forever ago, and so I grab a blanket and the DVD player and we head up to the second floor lobby, because while the TV is smaller, it's a smaller room and just a lot cozier. and even though I invited everyone mentioned to come watch with us, it really did end up just being me and Bradley. so we turn off the lights and sit on opposite ends of the couch and watch Emperor's New Groove, which Bradley has never seen before and which started the entire idea of a movie night in the first place. and he's commenting and I'm shushing him because he's missing the funny lines which I'm quoting along with the movie... and about halfway through, I'm sprawled with my legs up on the arm of the couch leaning back, when all of a sudden he says, "that looks comfortable," and while I say "it is" he shifts around and all of a sudden we're back to back leaning against each other, and so I rest my head against his neck and we keep watching. lovely. but then we get tired of that and we shift around some more and at one point, both of our arms are up on the back of the couch and he brushes his fingers against my upper arm, up and down... and I don't know why, but that gave me more of a thrill than anything else all night. it took resolve for me to stay still at that point and not react. but that's kind of how it goes for the rest of the movie, except that sixteen minutes before the end, it got jerky and stopped. and instead of going to fix it right away, we talked! even though it was midnight and he had to get up at four the next morning. but finally we get up and clean it off and restart it and watch the ending. after dropping off the player and the movie and the blanket at my room, I walk him out to his car. he grabs my hand and says, "it's cold!" and I'm startled and say "your hands are warm!" because when we were dancing earlier, it was totally the opposite. but now he's warming up my hands, and we just. keep. talking. and then it's after one in the morning... and then he puts his arm around me nicely casual, and then I wrap my arms around him and we're hugging and THIS is how it's SUPPOSED to go. warm and sweet and sincere and just kind of out of the blue but not completely unexpected and just wonderful. the difference is shocking, but of course I'm not thinking about that. finally we have to let go, and finally I herd him into his truck, and finally we say goodnight for the last time and I walk back across the street and wave him off. then I floated back to my room and was completely just blissful for the next 24 hours. and I'm gonna be all warm and fuzzy for the next month, seriously. I flipping love this feeling.

haha, sorry for the gush. but I can't help it... I'm simply infatuated.

We get up anyway

I did something a little dumb, but I feel it's suitable penance. I set my alarm for 5 this morning to text Bradley. I've been in the habit of waking astonishingly early and shooting off a text if I'm lucid enough, then probably going back to sleep afterwards. (Bradley's a dairy farmer. He gets up at four every morning.) But I actually set my alarm to make up for missing his call yesterday, which I felt (feel) terrible about. I was over at the boys', meeting their new roommate Alex. we watched a horrid movie (Anger Management, don't recommend it), Jon finally showed up, and then I ended up talking to Kody of all people until after midnight. and I left my phone back at our place, and seeing that missed call made me feel sick. but he left me an awfully funny/adorable voicemail. the alarm worked wonderfully this morning... and then I couldn't go back to sleep! gah. penance indeed. and now because I'm not going to bed at a reasonable hour, and actually setting alarms to get up, my health is regressing. just in time for classes starting. I completely forgot I arranged my schedule so I only have one class ever before noon. hopefully by the end of the semester I'll be thinking: what a stupid idea that was, but hey, at least I can get stuff done in the morning. although I kind of doubt it... my inner realist is clamoring I'm gonna backslide. we'll see.

quick notes on the past month, so I don't forget: December 13 - went out with Sam, sat talking about boys as usual. I was gushing; she was morose. we convinced Ben to sneak out, and spent an enjoyable few hours in a different parking lot until it started snowing. Sam was freaking out so I dropped them off. 'twas still splendid.
December 22 - the Seyfi Annual Christmas Party. this year's theme switched from Carolling to Ugly Sweaters. after inviting all of my college friends, Bradley was the only one able to show. he came early, left late. I was dashing all over the house playing hostess to get rid of all that nervous energy. finally at the end he offered me a hug, no promise attached. I was sideswiped and needed to understand why for the promise, thus said no thanks, and got a handshake instead.
December 23 - more time with Ben and Sam. this time we opted for Perkins because parking lots are cold/dangerous and my basement didn't sound promising. they acted like a couple practically, and again, we had an enjoyable time. unfortunately, this would be the last time I hung out with both at once.
December 24 - my birthday. was awoken at 5:30 exactly by a text from Bradley, which was a nice way to start things off. went to Olive Garden to celebrate, for the first time since Florida. Ben and Sam reported back that they loved my present (a letter, essentially), and nearly/cried, respectively. then they remembered to wish me a happy one, which I found funny.
December 25 - Christmas. Syd cried after reading my story; Selina was less exuberant. I got a shaving razor from Santa... called everybody I know and managed to talk to Bradley for an hour or so. goodNESS, I wonder who I obsessed over all break?! (it gets worse.)
December 27 - headed up to Greeley for Jessica's reception. got there late, spent an enjoyable evening talking with Kristen and Sister Walpole (Bradley's female relations, yes it was a coincidence!) and dancing with Rachel. ended up blushing a lot, but laughing too. stayed overnight with Ashley and saw the Walpoles at church the next day. Brian was leery due to my joke of a perfume-drenched letter, but I think he liked my gift, as did they all.
December 31 - drove back to Greeley for a spur-of-the-moment gathering. I blame Tanya! also attending were Bradley and Kristen, Josh and his brother, Taylor, and eventually Carol. we agreed a small group was a nice change. yay for pizza and Cranium. that night was Em's annual bash. formal wear this year, but we all changed and trooped out to the golf course for midnight. it was windy cold! I would have much preferred if it was just me, Sam, and Ben, but I took what I got. thought about Bradley almost the entire time and caught a nasty virus.
January 1 to the present - sick sick sick sick SICK. gah I hate lingering symptoms. at least I managed to watch Top Gun. and then ruined it for Bradley. I regret nothing!
January 2 - finally went on that date with David. went ice skating, then to Panda Express. I think he'll turn out to be a good friend after all. honestly I don't think he likes me that much that way. thank goodness! called Bradley to report on it immediately afterward (I'm terrible); ended up asking him out on a second date. he was shocked, poor fellow. he's so dear.
January 7 - retreated to Sam's place to avoid the cavalcade of young girls swarming my house around seven, after repeated promises of being home by ten. I ended up spending the night... and didn't call or text the parents. I'm not that sorry. it was one of those unforgettable experiences that we'll be talking about until the next time. and besides, I worked out all my guilt by cleaning the upstairs bathroom, which is a scary place, of my own violition. Mom and Dad didn't have much time to be upset, anyway, because...
January 8 - Bradley finally took my dad up on his offer of a tour of the office. I think both were kind of excited about it, in their own ways. then Dad had a client or something, so Bradley came back to the house and we took the girls ice skating. Syd was having troubles, so he ended up holding her hand first. she needed my permission before she'd let him. then he decided to teach me how to skate backwards, which was petrifying and thrilling all at once. after doing it on my own, I figured out the hip-swing, and I think he rather enjoyed the view. also inadvertently came up with a new family joke: "I'm a bird!" it was an enchanting two hours. then back home for dinner and a round of Candyland, which Bradley won hands down and I lost spectacularly at. after everyone's farewells, the two of us spent a good twenty minutes at his car dithering about how awkward and what a big deal it shouldn't be, then finally hugged. I was exhausted and on cloud nine that night. possibly ten.
January 10 - finished packing up and moved back into the dorms. haven't been to bed before 12:30 since. I missed everyone so much. man, it's good to be home!