still smitten with Bradley. still loving college. still clashing with parents over amounts of freedom given. still torn up about the Work Problem. and...
still can't believe I'm almost nineteen. what's up with that? so far as I can tell, I forget my birthday's even coming up unless it's a milestone year (thus I was anxious about turning twelve, thirteen, fourteen, sixteen, and eighteen, but blew off fifteen and seventeen and now, nineteen). this means it's been a year since I became an adult. and what have I done with that? graduated from high school and for the first time in my life got bored over the summer. went off to college and decided to major in Pirate. voted in a presidental election for Harrison Ford. turned down my first love and became enamoured with a cowboy four years older than me. did not dress up for Halloween, but did dress up for International Talk Like a Pirate Day. am I an adult? yes. am I grown up? HECK NO!
what on earth am I going to do with myself this next year? I feel like I should make my resolutions early. what exactly is the expectation for a nineteen-year-old? I suppose I should just pull a regular and vow to become a better person than I am now. I do it every year, in some form or other. this year... I don't know if I've improved. honestly, I feel I've regressed. but... I am more confident. I am much more comfortable with who I am and much less likely to judge others. (mostly.) I know myself better now that Mom's shadow has withdrawn, and I've got some ideas on how to counteract my inner nature's awful habits. and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get some writing done this next semester. who knows how life will turn out? I eagerly await whatever happens.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Do you wanna dance with me?
Well, tonight was it. the Date. it was splendid, of course. I should do it more often.
after fretting for an hour that he'd have to cancel again, Bradley picked me up at 7ish sharp. destination: Johnny Carino's. it was an exciting ride, as Bradley was still drugged up from some medication he'd taken for an ear infection... animal medication. he nearly ran over a car. at the restaurant I spent a spectacularly long time to decide what to order, which is unusual for me, but thankfully I didn't freak out over it and the waitress got to make fun of me. : ) Bradley had the brilliant idea of tearing the wax paper that came with the bread into squares - he made a rose. and a butterfly. I made a cootie catcher. I couldn't think of any fortunes because we were talking so much (also adding to my indecision mentioned previously), but I finally finished it after we were done eating. then I asked for a lecture on why abolishing the penny is bad for the economy, wherein I learned several pertinent facts that apparently shouldn't be entrusted to high school AP exams but seem much more important to the debate than mere convenience. (we also talked about our parents and love at first sight and marriage and Florida and Colorado and family and eating habits and, well, all sorts of things.) after making me another rose, which I left for the waitress, we were off again!
he'd promised me ice cream. he thought I knew an ice cream place. after all, I'm the one who lives in Greeley proper. and he refused to let me ask around... we ended up going to McDonald's because McFlurries are delicious, and, well, in a phone conversation earlier this week we discovered a mutual love of the Playplace. so after eating our McFlurries (we both got Oreo), we raced to the top! (it was a tie, no joke.) we agreed this particular Playplace was sub-par; only one slide and no ball pit. but then again, it had a rocket area! at this point it was about 9:15... we stayed up at the top, just talking, until after 11. we talked about his brothers and kittens and college and missions and languages and pushing Selina down the stairs and destroying property and "hockey" and Jordan and shoes and finances and careers and things that make me uncomfortable (Bradley 1] talking about being poor and 2] holding my hand in both of his) and cows and back when we'd first met and addresses and eye color and again, all sorts of things. there's one feature of the Playplace - a "satellite" - where you twirl a wheel attached through the ceiling and it spins. we were playing with that, off and on, and checking down below to make sure our coats were still there, and then they weren't! and we could hear talking... and I saw an employee walk towards the Playplace. I went further over to get a better look; Bradley went down the slide. after a minute or so I caught on and followed him down. our coats were fine, just moved to a different table, so we put them on and agreed maybe it was time to go. Bradley explained he'd almost run into the employee I'd seen walking around, who had then told him she'd thought maybe there were kids up there, and no parents! another worker gave us a very suspicious look as we walked out, at which point I just about burst laughing. "I don't think they believed you that we were just talking up there!" "Oh no - they'll be telling each other not to go to the top any more..."
Then I remembered he was still drugged up, so he let me drive the truck home. after a lot of warnings and fuss made over how trucks are different, I came to the conclusion that they are just. taller. and wider. I did not almost run over anybody. and then we were back at Hansen-Willis, and I got out and got my purse and my rose and my leftovers, and we both kind of didn't know what to do. we were talking still and trying to wrap up and I finally got the lowdown on his hug policy (Brian has strict rules about touching girls. Bradley has a hug policy). he only hugs girls under certain circumstances, most of which I can guess, and he makes them promise him something before they can hug him. this is as far as I'd gotten previously. I'm going to blame the drugs for the fact that he told me (finally!) what that promise is: they have to promise not to fall in love with him. I immediately asked if he'd seen A Walk To Remember, which he had. I wanted to discuss the thought process behind why he'd want to extract such a promise, but we were trying to say goodbye here and it was fricking cold out. so we stood there awkwardly trying to figure out what we're supposed to do, which ended with the (unspoken) decision to do nothing, so I walked to the door, swiped my card, and went in. end of a fantastic date. minimal awkwardness, maximum communication and all-around fun times. and we agreed another one is necessary. : )
also, more happy fun times once I got in the room. McKenz and Rache were home, as was Jon! and then Nick showed up, and we spent a delightful hour talking about 90's toys (old school Polly Pockets. BOO yeah) and PE tricycle things and egg drops and shooting potatoes through trees... everyone agreed after Nick left the room that he'd probably made that last one up. but seriously, it's been such a long time since we've just all gotten together and talked like that. it was wonderful. after Nick and Kenz left, Jon talked to Rachel and me, and then just me, about his childhood (which I kind of want now) and how easily people forget why they're in Music, why they're in college, and a bit about what being a Christian means (love God, love your neighbors. that's it, really) and finally he went to bed because he's dang sick and he's got a final tomorrow, and so now I'm typing this up before I forget it. it's been such a wonderful night!!! made even better by the facts that A) my finals were aced and done with earlier today, and B) I'm going home tomorrow, for a whole month.
for the first time in my life, I could die right now and be happy. this is what I call bliss.
after fretting for an hour that he'd have to cancel again, Bradley picked me up at 7ish sharp. destination: Johnny Carino's. it was an exciting ride, as Bradley was still drugged up from some medication he'd taken for an ear infection... animal medication. he nearly ran over a car. at the restaurant I spent a spectacularly long time to decide what to order, which is unusual for me, but thankfully I didn't freak out over it and the waitress got to make fun of me. : ) Bradley had the brilliant idea of tearing the wax paper that came with the bread into squares - he made a rose. and a butterfly. I made a cootie catcher. I couldn't think of any fortunes because we were talking so much (also adding to my indecision mentioned previously), but I finally finished it after we were done eating. then I asked for a lecture on why abolishing the penny is bad for the economy, wherein I learned several pertinent facts that apparently shouldn't be entrusted to high school AP exams but seem much more important to the debate than mere convenience. (we also talked about our parents and love at first sight and marriage and Florida and Colorado and family and eating habits and, well, all sorts of things.) after making me another rose, which I left for the waitress, we were off again!
he'd promised me ice cream. he thought I knew an ice cream place. after all, I'm the one who lives in Greeley proper. and he refused to let me ask around... we ended up going to McDonald's because McFlurries are delicious, and, well, in a phone conversation earlier this week we discovered a mutual love of the Playplace. so after eating our McFlurries (we both got Oreo), we raced to the top! (it was a tie, no joke.) we agreed this particular Playplace was sub-par; only one slide and no ball pit. but then again, it had a rocket area! at this point it was about 9:15... we stayed up at the top, just talking, until after 11. we talked about his brothers and kittens and college and missions and languages and pushing Selina down the stairs and destroying property and "hockey" and Jordan and shoes and finances and careers and things that make me uncomfortable (Bradley 1] talking about being poor and 2] holding my hand in both of his) and cows and back when we'd first met and addresses and eye color and again, all sorts of things. there's one feature of the Playplace - a "satellite" - where you twirl a wheel attached through the ceiling and it spins. we were playing with that, off and on, and checking down below to make sure our coats were still there, and then they weren't! and we could hear talking... and I saw an employee walk towards the Playplace. I went further over to get a better look; Bradley went down the slide. after a minute or so I caught on and followed him down. our coats were fine, just moved to a different table, so we put them on and agreed maybe it was time to go. Bradley explained he'd almost run into the employee I'd seen walking around, who had then told him she'd thought maybe there were kids up there, and no parents! another worker gave us a very suspicious look as we walked out, at which point I just about burst laughing. "I don't think they believed you that we were just talking up there!" "Oh no - they'll be telling each other not to go to the top any more..."
Then I remembered he was still drugged up, so he let me drive the truck home. after a lot of warnings and fuss made over how trucks are different, I came to the conclusion that they are just. taller. and wider. I did not almost run over anybody. and then we were back at Hansen-Willis, and I got out and got my purse and my rose and my leftovers, and we both kind of didn't know what to do. we were talking still and trying to wrap up and I finally got the lowdown on his hug policy (Brian has strict rules about touching girls. Bradley has a hug policy). he only hugs girls under certain circumstances, most of which I can guess, and he makes them promise him something before they can hug him. this is as far as I'd gotten previously. I'm going to blame the drugs for the fact that he told me (finally!) what that promise is: they have to promise not to fall in love with him. I immediately asked if he'd seen A Walk To Remember, which he had. I wanted to discuss the thought process behind why he'd want to extract such a promise, but we were trying to say goodbye here and it was fricking cold out. so we stood there awkwardly trying to figure out what we're supposed to do, which ended with the (unspoken) decision to do nothing, so I walked to the door, swiped my card, and went in. end of a fantastic date. minimal awkwardness, maximum communication and all-around fun times. and we agreed another one is necessary. : )
also, more happy fun times once I got in the room. McKenz and Rache were home, as was Jon! and then Nick showed up, and we spent a delightful hour talking about 90's toys (old school Polly Pockets. BOO yeah) and PE tricycle things and egg drops and shooting potatoes through trees... everyone agreed after Nick left the room that he'd probably made that last one up. but seriously, it's been such a long time since we've just all gotten together and talked like that. it was wonderful. after Nick and Kenz left, Jon talked to Rachel and me, and then just me, about his childhood (which I kind of want now) and how easily people forget why they're in Music, why they're in college, and a bit about what being a Christian means (love God, love your neighbors. that's it, really) and finally he went to bed because he's dang sick and he's got a final tomorrow, and so now I'm typing this up before I forget it. it's been such a wonderful night!!! made even better by the facts that A) my finals were aced and done with earlier today, and B) I'm going home tomorrow, for a whole month.
for the first time in my life, I could die right now and be happy. this is what I call bliss.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
It's a hard day's night, and I been working like a dog
so true. homework has been lots or none, in spurts; it's been rather weird. and I'm consistently staying up until three or four in the morning... which is unhealthy, I know, but I can't help myself. it's habit now!
update on the Bradley Saga (my life is divided into sagas, I've decided): a day has been chosen for our double date. next Monday after FHE with Brian and Noelle, to be specific. but I am skipping ahead - it is important to know that Sam finally stayed with me for a few days. Sunday night to 1:40ish today... I miss her already! but Monday night, the one guaranteed time I get to talk to Bradley for more than a few minutes, Sam decided it was the most hilarious thing in the world to watch me blush. she hadn't even met the guy officially before she started in. I, trying to calm myself down, started trying to think of boring sedate things...
"Baseball! baseball is boring! Think about baseball..."
"Does Bradley play baseball?"
"Not that I know of," I snapped.
"I'll bet he looks really good playing baseball, actually," at which point I tried to tune her out. but then -
"38, 39... 40 shades of red. That's a good color on you, dear."
"I hate you, Sam!"
and so on and so forth. I took some deep breaths and introduced the two, finally, and after ten minutes of conversation centering around how Sam could be related to me, we look and act so similarly, and Bradley pulling me aside to say Josh won't be back in time and asking if next Monday is okay with me, and of course I say that's just fine! and just when I'd finally gotten my face looking normal again, all of a sudden Brian gets in on the fun and starts teasing me too! so he and Sam are teaming up on me and I reach forty-five shades and I just can't handle everyone looking so I run away to another room and hide beside the door, but then Brian opens it and is trying to tell me he's just teasing but he's got this laugh in his voice so I know he's not going to stop so I push him out, but I can hear him and Sam talking because I haven't introduced her to him yet, and Sam's saying "he's playing Bad Day!" meaning Bradley on the piano who apparently is blushing just as hard as I am and I just melt right there because how did he know? because seriously that is one of my favorite songs... but I'm still upset and still embarrassed and when Brian says, "I'm the cooler brother" to Sam I storm out, still fire-red, push past them saying "He's the mean brother!" and go to the other side of the lobby to the rec room to the kitchen, where I try desperately to calm down. I realize I just made a scene, which is exactly what I did not want, because I do not want the fact that Bradley asked me out spread all over the place because I just can't handle that yet, obviously, and this knowledge is not helping me at all, and I can hear everyone asking "what was that about?" "I think you made her mad, Brian" "maybe you'd better say sorry" and I've got my hands on my head like I can't breathe after a run looking up at the ceiling and Sam walks in and says, "You love me. Give me a hug" and I'm far too upset with her so I push her away and turn around and there's Brian... with his hand out. This is a big deal; this is huge. this is his way of apologizing. I can't help myself, not that I want to: I smile and relax instantly. I shake Brian's hand. he smiles back and says, "You okay?" I say, "Yeah." and we walk back out to the lobby, Sam behind us.
and the next day I talk to Bradley for a full hour on the phone, which I totally did not expect to do. it's a good thing, though, because one of my definite unchangeable criteria is to be able to just talk to the guy, so an hour-long conversation about not much really is a very good sign. but now I have to plan a date... in nothing-to-do Greeley. I need to set some time aside and just think creative/cheap. it'd be so much easier if it weren't so frigging cold out... how do I get into these things? seriously, I'd be fine with another movie night like last time, but Mormons have weird high standards about dates... the irony is that I've only ever been on one date (which Bradley didn't believe. "What was wrong with all those high school guys?!" awww...), but I've heard of all sorts of activities and ideas from friends who dated frequently, so I still have more of an idea than Bradley... and (probably) Brian. what I should do is be sensible and talk to Noelle... or Nick or Jon. they're experienced in this kind of thing. gah. luckily if Bradley and I can't come up with anything by Sunday, it's out of our hands and we don't have to worry about it, yay. but it might be fun to try...
update on the Bradley Saga (my life is divided into sagas, I've decided): a day has been chosen for our double date. next Monday after FHE with Brian and Noelle, to be specific. but I am skipping ahead - it is important to know that Sam finally stayed with me for a few days. Sunday night to 1:40ish today... I miss her already! but Monday night, the one guaranteed time I get to talk to Bradley for more than a few minutes, Sam decided it was the most hilarious thing in the world to watch me blush. she hadn't even met the guy officially before she started in. I, trying to calm myself down, started trying to think of boring sedate things...
"Baseball! baseball is boring! Think about baseball..."
"Does Bradley play baseball?"
"Not that I know of," I snapped.
"I'll bet he looks really good playing baseball, actually," at which point I tried to tune her out. but then -
"38, 39... 40 shades of red. That's a good color on you, dear."
"I hate you, Sam!"
and so on and so forth. I took some deep breaths and introduced the two, finally, and after ten minutes of conversation centering around how Sam could be related to me, we look and act so similarly, and Bradley pulling me aside to say Josh won't be back in time and asking if next Monday is okay with me, and of course I say that's just fine! and just when I'd finally gotten my face looking normal again, all of a sudden Brian gets in on the fun and starts teasing me too! so he and Sam are teaming up on me and I reach forty-five shades and I just can't handle everyone looking so I run away to another room and hide beside the door, but then Brian opens it and is trying to tell me he's just teasing but he's got this laugh in his voice so I know he's not going to stop so I push him out, but I can hear him and Sam talking because I haven't introduced her to him yet, and Sam's saying "he's playing Bad Day!" meaning Bradley on the piano who apparently is blushing just as hard as I am and I just melt right there because how did he know? because seriously that is one of my favorite songs... but I'm still upset and still embarrassed and when Brian says, "I'm the cooler brother" to Sam I storm out, still fire-red, push past them saying "He's the mean brother!" and go to the other side of the lobby to the rec room to the kitchen, where I try desperately to calm down. I realize I just made a scene, which is exactly what I did not want, because I do not want the fact that Bradley asked me out spread all over the place because I just can't handle that yet, obviously, and this knowledge is not helping me at all, and I can hear everyone asking "what was that about?" "I think you made her mad, Brian" "maybe you'd better say sorry" and I've got my hands on my head like I can't breathe after a run looking up at the ceiling and Sam walks in and says, "You love me. Give me a hug" and I'm far too upset with her so I push her away and turn around and there's Brian... with his hand out. This is a big deal; this is huge. this is his way of apologizing. I can't help myself, not that I want to: I smile and relax instantly. I shake Brian's hand. he smiles back and says, "You okay?" I say, "Yeah." and we walk back out to the lobby, Sam behind us.
and the next day I talk to Bradley for a full hour on the phone, which I totally did not expect to do. it's a good thing, though, because one of my definite unchangeable criteria is to be able to just talk to the guy, so an hour-long conversation about not much really is a very good sign. but now I have to plan a date... in nothing-to-do Greeley. I need to set some time aside and just think creative/cheap. it'd be so much easier if it weren't so frigging cold out... how do I get into these things? seriously, I'd be fine with another movie night like last time, but Mormons have weird high standards about dates... the irony is that I've only ever been on one date (which Bradley didn't believe. "What was wrong with all those high school guys?!" awww...), but I've heard of all sorts of activities and ideas from friends who dated frequently, so I still have more of an idea than Bradley... and (probably) Brian. what I should do is be sensible and talk to Noelle... or Nick or Jon. they're experienced in this kind of thing. gah. luckily if Bradley and I can't come up with anything by Sunday, it's out of our hands and we don't have to worry about it, yay. but it might be fun to try...
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