Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

I've been really up and down over Jordan for the past month. I've come so close to telling him I changed my mind... (Nick's out of the picture entirely, as he is now earnestly dating my suitemate.) but what really, finally, thankfully clinched it was Bradley. yes, another boy. I am so hopeless it is patently ridiculous. where on earth did all these interested males come from?! and where the heck where they in high school? (Jordan and David specifically. I've known the one for five and a half years now, and the other for probably six.)

Bradley is everything Jordan is not. he is unfailingly sweet in such an innocent way (artless, not charming); he is a hard worker and determined; he is so freaking intelligent, but he doesn't believe it, he thinks he's clueless. he's respectful and sensitive and can be summed up in exactly one word: adorable. and unlike literally every other boy I've ever had a crush on, I have no problem with me liking him. I could go through the list, explain my compunctions about all the guys I've liked through the years, but suffice it to say there was always an element of guilt or not-rightness. (one example that illustrates both: Coon had a habit of talking at me about how evil Mormons are. not joking. yes, he knows I'm Mormon. yes, I liked him anyway. am I a glutton for punishment or what?) Bradley's just all-out wholesome, I guess. some girls would find his hesitancy around females annoying, I think. he has this way of looking at you from the side because he has to duck his head because he just can't look at you straight on because he's about to say something complimentary. if he had a cloth napkin to fiddle with, he'd probably wring it to death while standing with a toe digging a circle into the dirt. I once accused him of being coy - he does know what his actions do to a girl - and he had to agree it fit. he didn't appreciate the implication that it usually applies to females (we had to look it up), but seriously that's how he was acting. and there was this one time where he stuck out his hand for a shake, and so I gripped it firmly and shook, but he lay his other hand on top of mine and just held it for a few seconds with this adorable grin on his face. I mean, AWWW. I am seriously twitterpated, and I don't feel panicky about it. it is perfectly fine for me to like this guy, and that is freedom, m'dear.

oh - and he asked me out on Monday. : ) I'm excited in a way I haven't been in a long time. it's going to take a while before my crush stops intensifying when the guy likes me back. and I was right: my family is so used to the guy not liking me back, either, that not one of them even thought to ask, "do either of them like you?" (Bradley's got an older brother, Brian.) although to be fair, Syd said, "you should date one of them," and Selina immediately without thinking said, "the younger one." and then I blushed so hard everyone laughed at me. the entire family now loves those two boys as much as I do - I guess it really came out in the way I was talking about them. I just want my worlds to collide. I want my family and Sam and Ben and Em [and Alice (; ] to meet my roommates and the boys down the hall and the Walpole brothers (Bradley and Brian) and the entire swing club... and I really really want to take Bradley dancing. it's his fault; he displayed such an interest. although I can't let him stick around for blues dancing - that would be an unmigitated disaster! the poor boy wouldn't be able to look at girls for a year. you see, Brian has a rule: no shaking hands until the third date. no hugs until the fifth. thankfully Bradley's more lax, but he still doesn't like girls hugging him. so blues dancing - where essentially your partner has to be plastered against you - would be torture of the most acute kind for him. of course, such rules are torture for me: I'm a physical person! when I need to comfort someone, I give them a hug, put a hand on their shoulder, something! not being able to do that is almost painful. and waving goodbye when we're a few feet apart is ridiculous to me. but that's the way they function - they both instinctively curl up and spasm when a female hugs them; I know because I have. just the once and never again. the reaction was too violent for me to try without consent from now on. but still... it'll be the one thing that will eventually drive me crazy. but I prefer no-hugging rules to absolute jerkfaces who disregard my feelings, so I'll stick with Bradley.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs... Breakin' my mind

Jordan's fine with "being Rejected," and not only did Nick like me all the way back when we all first met two months ago (shocking!), but he thought I was jealous of Rachel when they were... considering going out. which is a projection of his narcissism, because that is so not true. but I am jealous of McKenz right now, as she and Nick are now closer than a peanut-butter jam sandwich. it was awkward and painful to watch at first, of course, but it's been less than a week and I've fully recovered, and nicely. because this is really a very old pattern, and I'm just too used to it.

and I promised myself I'd stop going on about my romantic dealings... le sigh.

move over Nick; Jordan's back in the picture. as love of my life for three years in a row, he gets top priority and a decent chunk of my heart. and guess what? he loved me! he always loved me! and now that his fiance broke it off and Bri's getting married, apparently I'm an option. and he's not afraid to tell me so this time. he's not afraid of actually getting into a relationship with me.
I, however, agree with Jon (a boy wise beyond his age and experience, seriously) in that we think Jordan is just afraid of losing me forever and afraid of change. just because now I'm actually getting asked out by guys... is this what people mean by "coming out of the woodwork?" I'm being inundated! college is ridiculous. I was warned several times by various people, so I shouldn't be so surprised. but seriously! I'm the freak, the weird one; this isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to stick to the plan of being contentedly and strictly male-free for a year, then go back to pursuing them once I'm a sophomore. males showing interest in me is not part of the plan. I mean, getting asked out three times in a month-span? that's insane. never in my furthest imaginings dared I to hope for such an obviously impossible thing. and now, when I am finally at a point in my life where I absolutely don't want it... I get it. gah. talk about God and His sense of humor. His timing is impeccable, really.
back to Jordan specifically. I'll agree to the date, where we will double with someody, and refuse to again consider becoming a couple. shall I try to list reasons?

he loves me so much more than I love him, and that's unfair to us both.
I know I can never marry him, thus the relationship can't continue to that point, thus we'll break up eventually, thus there will be pain and heartbreak, and why do something that's so utterly doomed from the start?
also we disagree on several important topics (politics, whether he should serve a mission) and that spells disaster in myraid forms.
long distance relationship equals serious and intense relationship laden with meaning. NOT READY. (see below.)
he's a flaky jerkface. I know so many of his flaws, and there are some I just can't accept, and there are some things I just can't trust him about (like showing up for an event) and that doesn't exactly spell healthy relationship.
he has already made quite plain that he will be unable to break up with me if we start this, even though we agree the breaking-up will have to happen. I do not want to be the stronger person. not the first time. I want to be the one who has to be cared for. I want to be a taker instead of a giver for once in my life, which leads me to
sub-reason one: I've never been in a real, true relationship before, and for most reasons listed above I don't want this to be IT.
also, going back to real reasons, Jordan JUST broke up. I do not want to be a rebound!
I just want to be allowed to have multiple crushes of varying degrees, flit around for a while, learn how to actually flirt with a guy, and just be free. being Jordan's girlfriend would be the most soul-crushing kind of cage. (I just realized this ten seconds before I typed it. o.O no wonder I had such a bad feeling about the whole thing. I have just solved a personal enigma.)

come to think of it, any one of those reasons should probably be enough for an answer of the negative variety. but a combination of the total? holy schnikes, Batman. why did I even consider saying yes?